September 28, 2008

A phone call I needed

There are a few aspects of my divorce and my feelings about it that I never discuss. Some because they are too private, some because they are too painful I have decided to block them and force myself to forget them. It’s easy to understand that some things will forever remain private, and I have my peace with never discussing those matters. As for the painful ones, I think it’s best to burry them where I can no longer remember, even if it means that from time to time they will cause me to have some thoughts that I will never find words to express.

My most reoccurring thought was “what if it was me?” I understand that it takes two to make a ruin out of a marriage, I really do, and in that sense I acknowledge most of the mistakes he accused me of. However, a voice in me always shouted that his reaction, his chain reaction of humiliation, the pain he inflicted was too malicious and it made him the bad guy at the end of the day. My friends and loved ones echoed that voice and repeatedly told me to stop being silly and that no behavior of mine could possibly make anyone behave that way, but my secret wondering always lingered and found ways to haunt me at my weak moments, only I never expressed it half as eloquently as it was said to me yesterday even though I never spoke of my wondering before!

Yesterday, someone put on the unbiased hat and spoke those words to me. Yesterday, for the first time, someone found the words that describe one of my worst and most haunting thoughts; and not just that, but also out of being a good friend advised me so calmly on how I should approach my divorce for once and for all before I ended things.

Before you proceed with anything, take a moment to think of things from a perspective that I know could be painful for you, but you have to do it for the sake of your kids. I know things have come to a point where you can’t re-love him or cherish a good memory, but you owe your kids that much before you eliminate their chances of having a normal relationship with their father.

Since I’ve got to know you, I have been wondering what could possibly make anyone do all that to you. Perhaps there were things you did, words you said that broke your relationship, after all you were in love, and you married for love. There is always one thing at least that must have broken such a bond, it could be too small and insignificant for others, but it could have had a huge impact on him. I know there are things I would not accept of people, no matter how much I love them, and I think it applies to each one of us.

Next time you talk to him, ask him about the moment he started drifting away from you, ask him what caused it, and ask him about a specific incident with its details. Don’t take answers like 3asabeyetek or esloobek, only accept an answer that includes an a moment, a specific incident that made him pull away, because once he pulled away, all the other things would make sense, at least to him. If he does not give you an answer, then he is the asshole I think he is, and leaving him was definitely the right thing to do, and you should never look back and wonder. However, if he gives you that very specific answer, take the time to think about it without bias, and start weighing everything that happened from that point forward all over again, perhaps then you’d be more willing to give him a chance.

I know it’s not something you would want to do, going back to him, but I also know that you love your children that much. Can you do it?

Needless to say I cried hearing all those words –and more- being said to me so plainly and directly, silent tears kept rolling as I curled on that cushion feeling so cold. I pulled it together and controlled my tone of voice as I said “Do you know I ask myself that question every day since it all fell apart? Do you know I never stopped wondering if it were me? You know what, I will do what you suggested, even as I know that 90% chance he will not give that answer! I will do it, not because I would ever consider going back to him, I could never do that. You don’t know how much I love my kids, but I do, yet I would NEVER go back to him. I will only do it for me, to have something to shush those thoughts and stop them from haunting me

My friend did not leave me in the midst of my tears, my friend talked to me about random things that made me really laugh and made sure I hung up with a smile on my face to wake up with a clear head for a change. Yes, I will do as my friend suggested, but I am sorry, even if it turned out that it was me, I will not go back to him, it is over that way, and I will do everything I can to make sure it ends sooner rather than later.

* Of course my rephrasing of those words is not accurate, and I must have skipped more words, but I guess I covered the general idea.


jessyz said...

Bless your friend for being honest, Bless you for being courageous enough to try it out and understanding that your friend wants your and your children's best interest.
I hope you get an answer that will give you peace and perhaps closure.

insomniac said...

thanks jess for your sweet words and your kind wishes :)

ameen :))

Shimaa Gamal said...

Your friend might have a point, but I can't encourage you to do it

let's assume that it was you, could whatever you did be undone? The answer is NO. tayeb teftkery lama te3rafy el la7za el fasela elly khaletoh to pull away dah hayfedek enty or ur kids fi eh?

7abeebty, stop blaming urself for things mesh be2edek. stop thinking enek 3amalty 7aga tekoon el sabab fi enek la metgaweza wala metal2a mestanya wa7ed 3amel shaheed yetlek sara7ek.
Stop blaming yourself, because this is a proper time to blame the world.

Honey, elly 7asal 7asal. Never look back, hatstfady eh? teftkery ha terta7y lw 2alek aslek fi yoom gom3a 2oltely 2oom hat el pj a3'selha wana kont ta3ban we 3ashan keda dawart 3ala 7ad yesebeny labes pj mesh nedeefa?

Plz ya 7abeeby spare urself the pain of such a talk and spare urself the pain of such thoughts.

el taree2 masdood and mafeesh fayda mn enena ne3raf meen elly sadoh le2n el ma3refa la hat2adem wala hat2akhar, el mohem ezzay to find a way ne3ady beeha el taree2 dah.

Don't be silly, it was never your fault.

LouLou said...

I am always hesitant to give relationship advice because God knows I am no authority on the subject.

But try as I might, I can't see how assigning blame can eliminate the fact that you don't love each other anymore.

I don't see the connection.

Am I missing something?

Sherif said...

Yes .. you love your kids .. you sure adore them .. but he's still their father ..

Why should you be the one who submissively sacrifice and not him?

Kaddar allaho kaza wa ma sha2 fa3al

Don't blame yourself cause he never gave a damn to it .. and to know whether it were you is of no use .. as long as you hate and decide not to get back ..

Calm down my dear and think how we can cross this problem to a brighter and peaceful life .. your situation is never unique .. and so many lives started up more successfully ..

Wish you all happiness

insomniac said...

shimz :)

the purpose of me doing this is not to undo it... my friend suggested thinking it's best for my kids; however, i am doing it to find myself the peace i long for... you see, the part of me that knows it was not me wants to stick its tongue to the part of me that has doubts :)

nothing can be undone, but it's always good to know where you went wrong if you're anything like me :))

i will stop blaming myself once i know, whether it was me or not, i will just let it go and move on... this is the only way i can spare myself the pain of those thoughts...

(hehe, my ego likes it when i'm told it was never my fault, so my ego is thanking you ;))

insomniac said...

lou (can i nickname you further :))

you're right about the fact that there is no love anymore... i wouldn't call it assigning blame though, trust me, i could blame myself either way and i could blame him either way, my mind is weird that way :)

let's say it's for the sake of learning something from that mess of an experience and evolving and all that healing crap... i need to silence those nagging voices, it's the only way i can stop wondering...

am i making sense that way?

insomniac said...

sherif :)

he is their father, and i wish he'd grow up and step into his role as one while he can still enjoy their childhood! this is one of the reasons why i need to end the fights and proceed with a civil divorce... it's hard for me, and somehow it seems even harder for my parents, but knowing them, they will come around for my kids' sake

i will not be sacrificing anything; like i said, there is no going back because no marriage can survive without love, respect, trust or compassion and it's obvious we've run out of those... and i am accepting that alhamdulilah

like i said, blame is easy; however learning and moving on is not, and that is what i need to do... i am the kind of person who's obsessed with knowing all the what if's and i like seeing the pieces of the puzzle falling into place, it helps my weary mind find its peace...

i know it's hard to believe for some, but since i have decided to do as my friend suggested, i've been feeling some peace and for the first time in weeks i actually had some peaceful sleep...

thanks for your words :)

Anonymous said...

Hello Inso,

I can totally understand your need to know (to verify ) that it wasn't your fault but... I don't think he's the kind of person who'll help you reach that , he'll not give you straight answers , if he is a straight person things wouldn't have reached here.It's a matter of deduction , I know u made up your mind already but I just don't want you to get more hurt...what do you expect from a person who thinks betrayal is the solution or the proper punishment for someone who did you wrong, not to mention his own wife!!!

Anyway , just wanted to warn you , good luck though , hope you reach your peace and that's all that matters :)


insomniac said...

Hey R :)

here is the thing, i won't be asking him saying "i need your help..."... i will just ask him briefly enough to not allow him to go round in circles

if he fails to give me that direct precise answer my friend mentioned, then it is all the answer i need really and it will bring me relief of some sort, even if some hurt comes along, i think it won't be more than i can handle :)

so many incidents tell me he will not give that answer and it's ok, i am prepared for it! i won't be calling him soon anyway, i still have my lawyer to consult with regarding the potential settlement.. i must REMEMBER to call him today, surprisingly i keep forgetting!!!

LouLou said...

I know there is no love because you're worried about whose fault it is that the relationship imploded. If you loved him you wouldn't care whose fault it is. You'd just want the relationship back. Trust me. I know.

My husband and I go through dark patches where one of us pulls away. Or we both pull away. And we lose the connection for a while. But then we just drift back because neither one of us can stand not having the connection.

And when we are back together the last thing we want to think about is who started it. We're just so relieved the bad patch is over.

Now if you ask me to sift back through the rubble and figure out who started what when, I honestly would have trouble remembering. So much has happened. And things keep going in circles and repeating themselves in a manner that makes it really hard to keep track of how anything started.

In marriage, I think it is really hard to figure out that sort of thing anyway because your lives are so intertwined that you can hardly take a breath without somehow impacting your partner - positively or negatively. After years of marriage, trying to trace what little thing led to what not-so-little thing when is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I hope you hear from him something that will give you some comfort but I wouldn't put too much weight on it. It's quite possible that he doesn't know. It's quite possible that he thinks he knows but he is wrong. And it is also possible that he knows but won't tell you because it's a power trip for him that you want something he is in a position to deny. And there is no way you can really tell.

As for your children, I believe like all children, they deserve to grow up surrounded by people who love them and who love each other or the children will sense turmoil and conflict and be affected by it. It's an established fact that children who don't grow up in a loving environment rarely go on to form loving marriages or families in the future.

I can't see how it is possible for you and your ex to provide your children with a loving environment when he's cheated on you and you've actually sued each other in the courts! I mean, who would want their children to grow up thinking that sort of behavior is normal in a marriage!

I'd say get away from this as soon as you can for the sake for your children as well as yourself.

Rasha said...

your friend has the courage to say it as u referred to it: plain and direct...others may fear to offend u by proposing such perspective out of love and extra care.
I respect the idea a lot...and i DO realize ur reasons for doing it and how u react with the issue.
i say go the nagging thoughts and focus fresh on clear life issues ahead of u...
*very caring hugs*

insomniac said...


as i previously said, you're right, there is no love :) and perhaps this is exactly why i'm concerned with whose fault it was!

thing is, this is no longer a marriage or a relationship i would like to maintain, so knowing whose fault won't ruin it any further...

as for my kids, i thank God they're oblivious to what's taking place right now... i plan to end it and i hope it works my way, i need out as soon as possible, this chaos has already taken too much of my life...

i can't afford to worry about how this will affect my kids... how seeing him and sensing the conflict would get to them, i will try to find comfort in knowing that i have friends who grew up in worse environments, yet became good people and maintained stable homes, and somehow found it in them to forgive those who caused it... all i can really do is love my children and try to make up for all of it by being there when needed

insomniac said...

rashaa :)

i always appreciate the plain and direct approach, and i appreciate it more when it's done with a calm and compassionate tone, it takes off the pain that might come along!

i did it, and it's ok... not the grand relief i was looking forward to, but not that bad either :)))