September 8, 2008

One week after…


Ramadan is taking its toll on me; it’s the first time that I find fasting that disorienting! It could be due to the caffeine deprivation since I have been guilty of some serious caffeine abuse during the past year. No craving, just utter disorientation!

I am too tired, exhausted actually. I sleep more hours that any self proclaimed insomniac should, I am too ashamed of myself, and I am even considering changing my name to sleepy-head.

And I haven’t even gotten all spiritual yet like everyone else seems to be! I am not sure my faith is that much intact that way. It adds to my guilt that I’m having terrible music obsession when everyone else I know is listening and/or reading Quran! It feels wrong somehow!!

Too many thoughts are crowding my head and I am too woozy and drowsy to even think or write them out of my system! Ramadan me3aslag ma3aya awy awy, and I can’t get into the whole Ramadan spirit, I am starting to feel so incompetent and that something is seriously wrong with me!

I do not blame Ramadan, I blame the people who overrate their joy and make it seem obligatory to feel the same way. Well, I don’t feel the spirit of Ramadan, so sue me!! And while I’m at it, I almost never feel that spirit, and neither do I feel that of El Eid! To me, it’s all about the social pretenses one has to go through to make loved ones happy (as well as not so loved ones) and it takes away whatever spiritual sense left in me, assuming I had much aslan!

I would wish you a blessed Ramadan, except that obviously it would sound too cliché coming from me, since you know better :-/

8 comments:

jessyz said...

Hanet! Just another 22 coffee deprivation days left. I know because I can't get thru the day without coffee. Who cares! You have the right to feel whatever way you want. Bas bardo Ramadan Kareem! :-)

insomniac said...

i don't miss coffee that much, i just no longer function properly without it! thing is, i am too drowsy after iftar to even want any coffee!! i only had one turkish coffee, one nescafe black and one tea since ramadan started!!! and two of those times were out of being offered something to drink, not because i sought them out!!

it's not about ramadan really... i am ok with ramadan, i am just to cynical for whatever people expect of me during ramadan! ramadan kareem nonetheless :)

Sherif said...

At least ramadan would change the scene all around .. just off the recurring style of life we live ..

It's never shameful if you hear music you tend to listen to cause all rituals are as you can .. that's what God ask to do ..

Like jessyz, hanet geddan .. it passes quickly .. now we are on the eighth ..

Kol Sana Wenty Tayeba ya gameel

insomniac said...

even the change of scenery is disorienting!

but you're right, it passes too quickly, and i have to admit that i miss it like no other month really, even when i don't enjoy much of it... i'm weird that way i guess..

kol sana wenta tayeb :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Inso,

Long time no posts(not so long but long enough)... missed you :)

You have a point in feeling alienated from ppl around you , i think if u actually did any sort of 3ebada for the sake of them it's reya2 :S ...it all has to be for Allah... just ignore whatever negative feeling you have , or any sort of guilt towards urself , it's a month of mercy , Allah is the most close to you on this earth , He's the one who knows what you feel and can help you thru ur hard times ..just pray for Him and ask His help.

Don't lose hope :), kol sana wnty tayeba dear.

Yours,
R

insomniac said...

hey R :)

thanks for missing me, it actually means a lot :)

i never did any sort of 3ebada for anyone, at least not consciously... i want to take some time off in my room and just pray, i feel it will somehow cleanse me, but i keep getting distracted... can't pin that one on "el shetan" we shatarto!

never mind me :)

kol sana wenty tayeba ya gameela :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Inso

3ady 3ady :) ana mn yomien akhoya bey2oly enty shatamty fi ramadan wana basa7eeky te3mely el so7oor, 2olty ramadan gab akhroh ma3aya :) and between you and me, this is a record, 3ashan asta7mel 6 days abl ma ashteky.
I used to feel bad about my feelings towards Ramadan, el 3eed and el monasabat di till that day wana fi el 3omrah, after having a talk with my uncle 3an my feelings towards the change weny zah2ana we 2arafana we ta3bana and how he and my other family memebers basoly keda basa zat ma3na ... le2ny ta3bana we 2arfana fi el wa2t enohom merry all the way. fi sa3et safa ma3 nafsy fi el masged el nabway galy hatef ... wana dayman el hatef dah beyeegy .. 2aly tayeb enty za3lana lieh ... 3ashan homa far7aneen wenty zah2ana, 3ashan homa mesh ta3baneen wenty ta3bana, tayeb ma fi el akhier both of you willingly do the same thing. homa bey3meloha easy wenty bet3mleeha bemashaka, el mashaka leeha agr.
so, from that moment I made sure eny mashtemsh awy :) 3ashan agr el mashaka mayde3sh, we yemken yegeey el yoom elly makonsh fih ta3bana we 2arfana mn el ta3'yeer wel yoom elly beyt2elb ra2san 3ala 3akeb.

yalla, yadoob al7a2 atbokh :)

insomniac said...

shimaa, it's rather comforting (in a distubring way) to know that i am not the only one who feels that way about ramadan!

ya rab teb2y far7ana we mesh ta3bana.. and sorry for the late reply; bakafe7 3ashan afoo2!