So here are the thoughts

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything… however; A LOT has been and still is going on with my life I wouldn’t even know where to start…. At some point I thought I would resume the “diary of an angry pregnant woman” that I started in my previous blog since I feel like I can talk about the things that had once kept me from resuming… perhaps someday I suppose…

For now I will just take a huge dump of thoughts without trying to make sense of any of them so that I can empty some room in my weary weary mind… then, I can sit back and analyze all that’s taking place in my not so bright life…


As articulate as I would like to think I am, I can never find the words when it comes to saying what I want… I swear every time I am asked what I want, I kinda go blank… sometimes I don’t even have a clue what I want, but even when I do, the words do not come out right!!! I find myself talking in an abstract manner to avoid specific things that I am sure are ok to ask for!! Even in prayers, I say the most ridiculous things and when I finally realize I am babbling I just go on “..God, You do know all, and You do know what I want and what’s good for me, so just let the best come my way”… I think I know how my little boy feels every time he wants something, yet can’t find the words to say it!! How strange is that?? A friend once told me it’s because I am so “tenka” I expect things to go my way without even asking… could be true, I am not in the mood to argue anyways… I’ll just end it there, I don’t know how to ask for the things I want the most and it makes me unhappy sometimes…


A lot of other things kinda make me unhappy these days… like walking into the airport and checking my luggage in… stepping into the plane as I find my seat and later having my meal served… shopping for perfumes makes me miserable these days and let alone nauseous… thinking of ice cream upsets me, I mean I love baskin’ robbins but every time I think I’d treat myself, I kinda remember haagen das and feel like crap!!! Let alone walking by furniture and interiors stores that I once just loved checking out; it awakens all the butterflies in my stomach and makes me just wanna throw up…. I know why all that makes me feel as bad as I do, and I think I will get over it in time, I just need some sort of closure to be able to do that… that needs further explanation but not now I guess…


Those constant headaches are coming back and attacking violently, along with the afore mentioned nausea and the familiar insomnia… it’s strange how I know where all that comes from and yet I can do absolutely nothing about it at this point… I want to take control over my life for the love of God... I want a lot of things, yet somehow I don’t know how to ask for them…


I wanna cry!! I have that very strong urge to cry… I mean come on, I have all the good reasons to… yet, I don’t seem to feel comfortable enough to do it… someone is always walking in on me making me feel so conscious of being called a whiny baby or a wimp or whatever label I am not comfortable with!! But I do need to cry and I am desperate for a shoulder to cry on… I really wish D was here, she’d know what to do with THAT…. I did send her an email saying that I am blank despite the unbearable overflow of emotions I feel and that I so needed her… she replied saying she knew exactly how I felt… I totally appreciated her words and started crying silently hoping no one would see me… I miss D so badly I guess, of all the bad times in my life, this is when I need her the most… anyways, I am happy she’s ok with her husband and her new life and hope she’d visit soon….


I get my daily dose of bull shit through a phone call that barely lasts 2 minutes…. I stay silent during that call and do nothing but mumble “yeah, ok, alhamdulilah, and in sha2 Allah, ok, bye” then hang up with an even worse headache!! I wish I could scream and lose control but I know it won’t make things any better…


With all the shit that’s been going in with my life, I just had that incident with my favorite aunt that I think scarred how I feel about her for life… I try to remain as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be, but I think I was too offended to pretend nothing ever happened… I know she didn’t mean to take her own dump of angry thoughts on me, and I know she has no clue what I am going through, but she had no right to blame me for things she knows I had no business in…. I still love her, but I am deeply hurt that I wanna detach myself from her, and perhaps put her in my “no longer favorite relatives” list, right next to K…


Which reminds me… I miss K… not him, I am too mad at him (not that much anymore, I don’t know)… I miss how close we were and how I could always think of him when I needed to feel good… now thinking of him makes me blue… and I kinda worry about him and his kids and wish there was a way I would find out more about how things are with him without having to ask other family members!!


Here is the most annoying thing… I wanna be around people… not just any people, those I love and trust… those who have known me before all that drama in my life took place and who also do not know it did take place… thing is, I know that if that happens and any of them asks how things are with me, I will either fake a smile and say things are ok, or blurt it all out and perhaps even cry and feel pathetic afterwards… not a great idea to be around those people as much as I would love to I guess… I will stick to those who know what’s going on and ask for updates!!


I am tired of telling those updates… they no longer feel like updates… nothing new happens, just more 7ar2 damm I guess… it feels like my life keeps revolving around the same issue over and over again!!! I hate that…


I don’t get why it’s not ok to be as rude and aggressive as I would like to be… I don’t know why I keep myself from behaving in a certain way… I want to return the harm and add even more to it… yet somehow I insist on being the better person and keep telling myself that life has its way of getting even with everyone… I am obsessed with people getting what they deserve and I just have no patience…


I don’t know why, but I see bad things happening all around… like I can no longer see anything good anymore!!! A relative of mine whom I am not so close to just went through her own tragic dilemma and I swear I felt so bad for her I am still considering I’d call her up and tell her all about my problems to make her feel better…. Does this mean I think I have more important drama? Perhaps… but I think hers sting as bad, only less harmful consequences… may be if I can make her feel better, things would get better for me!! Wow, I still have it in me to make other people’s drama all about me… didn’t grow much after all!!


I think I can go throw up for real now!!

To those who actually read it till the end… I know I should have warned you early on, but what did you expect when I said I’d take a huge dump of thoughts?!! Anyways, no one ever said life was fair…