July 17, 2009

Such a shame…


I hear those words a lot, “such a shame”…

When people look at me and realize I’m a divorcee, they shake their heads and very bluntly imply it...

You’re young, too young to be a mother and a divorcee already…

And it’s worse when they see my babies; you see, as annoying as my kids can be, they’ve been blessed with some sort of charm that I can’t really understand… it could be Beem’s radiant smile or Mocha’s big brown eyes that steal people’s hearts away!

And when they know they belong to a single mother and an absent father, they shake their heads even harder and say it with such disbelief and disappointment…

Such beautiful kids, such a shame, la 7awla wala quawata ella b’Ellah

Those words are not necessarily said; they don’t need to be, they are too loud in their eyes that it deafens me and disturbs my peace!

And the thoughts explode in my head…

It hurts to see my kids loving someone so unworthy, it hurts to see them getting so attached to someone who’s only there for them to get to me and make me pay for breaking free and doing it with my head up high without any sense of regret or defeat that would satisfy his sick ego.

It hurts me that I am not able to fight back and play as dirty to stop him, that I can’t get back at him because I worry about my kids’ wellbeing!

Now that’s a shame…

To have that much anger, hate and resentment for someone and not be able to use it to hurt him and cause him as much irreversible damage as he caused…

It’s such a shame to hold on to my ethics and upbringing, stick to right and refrain from wrong when every cell of my body is screaming “PAYBACK

It’s such a shame to feel that much rage and yet still listen to that frail voice telling me that everything evens up at the end and that he will pay one day, and that he’ll pay dearly!

Right now, that’s not really enough…. I don’t want him to pay one day, I want him to pay NOW! I don’t want him to wonder what he could have possibly done to deserve the pain and agony I wish him; I want him to know it’s because of what he’s done to me and to those boys and spend the rest of his days trying to think of ways to fix it hoping his pain would stop…

It may sound like I want revenge, but all I really want is justice, poetic justice, the kind they spoke of in fairytales and fables, the kind I should be old enough to know does not exist…

Such a shame!

5 comments:

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Always have faith in god's justice. The days will show u that he will take what he deserves and he will suffer for every pain and agony he caused for u. And always remember.
'da3wat al mazloom la torad'

Leaflet said...

Vengeance is Good.

when I have it in me, i'll take him out ;) . deal ? :))))

insomniac said...

Abdelsalam,

everything you said is true, yet it still feel too hard to be patient until that day...


Leafy,

i'll have it in me long before you do, by the time you're there, he'd be dead!

Anonymous said...

I hope you witness his punishment sooner not later!

R

insomniac said...

THANKS a lot ya R!!!!

witnessing it would help...

that's so sweet of you :)