June 23, 2009

On Boundaries…


Almost a year ago or something…


Looking into the random scribbles and smiling without looking back at me…

You’re very aggressive. Thing is, you have every right to be; you don’t just burst for no reason, you hold it in for too long until you can no longer handle it and then you become too aggressive, it comes from pain

Looking at me…

Why is that??

I smile and I shrug…

It’s just who I am I guess!

Still looking at me…

It’s not ok because it gets to you more than it should. You let people abuse you in a way because you don’t want to acknowledge that you’re not ok, they push you far beyond your limits and you still try to pretend it’s ok until you no longer can… at that point, it’s pretty much too late for them to fix things and also very late for you to forgive them for messing things up… you’re already too hurt and you burn those bridges with both pain and rage

Avoiding eye contact…

I don’t know what else to do; I expect people to understand me well enough to not cross my boundaries!

Still staring at me, yet maintaining the quiet tone…

Do you know your boundaries? I don’t think you define yours clearly enough although you're very aware of others'; it’s a loose term when it comes to you because once someone gets close enough; there is almost nothing you wouldn’t take from them … isn’t that what happened with your x? It does not change that he was not a good person, but you let him get away with a lot of things he shouldn’t have until you no longer could, right?

Nodding…

He resumed…

You should make boundaries, clear ones, especially for those you love and care about because those are the ones that hurt you the most. If you let them know in advance that you’re not as strong as you come off, they’d be more careful… and if they don’t, at least it would be early enough for you not to hurt. Be as assertive as you seem to be



He was right. Boundaries are such a loose term for me, not just with the ones I care for! Once I feel comfortable enough, I sort of let my guard down and make room for jerks to take me for granted.

Problem is, there is a nice-gene in there somewhere that doesn’t recognize harassment or abuse even if it hits me in the face! No not a nice gene, I’ll call it stupid-naïve-gene, and it keeps causing me emotional trauma and my mind keeps blocking it somewhere until the next one!

Ufff, when did people become so damn evil! I feel like an idiot just like my friend kept saying yesterday… no, not utopian like I kept correcting him, a complete idiot.

And now, I will try to figure out how aggressive I will have to be with that one! Given the circumstances, passive aggressive is the way to be… and complete avoidance, like the couple of ones before him. I see a pattern, one that I do not like, and I am thinking it’s also me, not just them.


9 comments:

Eventuality said...

This exactly the same with me. I keep letting things pass until I can't take it anymore. I guess we really should learn to assert ourselves earlier, I tried it and I believe it works.

Deeeeeee said...

Did I tell you about the girl who tickled me?! :'(

insomniac said...

eve,

thing is, i think i don't even notice i am bothered until something big happens!! i never thought i was that "easy going", certainly not to the "push-over" extent! it hit me when i waited for a friend's take on a perhaps "verbal sexual harrassment" incident! it hit me that when i heard the comment i didn't pay attention, i only slightly sensed the fishiness!! that's not good...


Deeeeeee,

did i tell u when my dentist tickled me!!!! and i didn't even get it!!!!!!!!!!!! what's wrong with me :(

Anonymous said...

YES YES YES!!!!

I know what u're talking about...except that i interpret almost everything the bad way , so i force myself to see it in a good way to avoid wrong judgements , but sometimes it's too obvious yet i try not to judge!!! is it wrong to stop judging ??

R

insomniac said...

sorry R, i was in some sort of social coma!

i can't say that i am unlike you... it really depends on how i see the person...

some people you expect nothing from, so when they do something small but nice, they make your day.... and when they do something shitty, you just put them in your black list and move along...

the real harm is from people you perceive as friends/family or just good people and they do the shitty thing and it takes you by surprise, unpleasant one that is... it also makes you wonder if you deserved it, or had it coming or sent out signs that made them think they'd get away with it...

aaahhhh, nothing is ever simple anymore

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Long time no Blog!!

insomniac said...

you won't believe the thoughts that are locked inside my head because there are no words to express them....

they're driving me crazy!!!

Sou-One-Canobee said...

Well people became evil cause now they hurt people for the fuck of it not for personal gain even. Your friend is correct you need to let the closest people to you to know that you are who you are do not contain everything inside and burst all of sudden not fair to them and difinitely not healthy to you. Be frank, open and stop assuming people are damn good until proven other wise

insomniac said...

problem with being frank and open is that it can also be used against you... for some reason, some people take your frankness the wrong way...

and there are things i never taolk about eitehr because i am not yet sure of how i feel about them or because they are not things to be said, fe 7aga esmaha common sense, or at least that's what my parents taught me never thinking it would actually stick!!

i guess i'll never get over how people can be sick and neither will i ever stop having good faith, the ultimate paradox eh??