Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
May 7, 2009
Allahuma eg3aloh kheir…
I went to bed after midnight.
I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.
I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.
I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.
I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)
So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.
I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.
I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!
That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.
Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.
My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.
Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!
August 31, 2008
Bye bye August!
August has been…........... I guess there are no words to describe it really!
I met some new people, friends that I would like to keep…
I caught up with old childhood friends, found out we’re still the same, only years older from since we last met…
I laughed, I cried…
I felt too warm and happy, but again, I felt sad and hollow…
I regained my faith in some people I thought I had once given up on, and I also lost faith in some whom I once cherished, and still cherish that it kinda hurts…
I smiled, I couldn’t speak my mind, I tried to express myself and I couldn’t, so I just smiled…
I made too many decisions that I still don’t know how to put in an action plan, but at least I know I did make some decisions, hard ones…
I finally asked for something I wanted, and I got it! For the first time I get something that I had actually asked for…
I couldn’t say a lot of words out of loud, not even to myself… I played them in music, but no one listened, not even me…
Words still couldn’t come out, so I smiled and nodded though no one was looking… played more music, few tears fell, my heart ached, but the words never came out!
Decisions are hard, especially the right ones…
One reoccurring thought though… I am alone and I am scared… I keep looking for peace, company, and reassurance in my kids’ eyes, I find some, a lot actually! Yet, somehow, the feelings still linger more strongly!
August made me happy, but left me with sadness. It could be because my sadness is still too much for any happiness to take its place, but I know deep down that one day, my sadness will no longer haunt my happy days… I could be either optimistic or delusional, either one will do for now!
Bye bye August...
March 23, 2008
To My Oblivia
Around two years ago, I started an older version of this blog, that I named Organized Chaos. It was basically an outlet where I could babble about the joys of motherhood and also rant about how people keep giving me non-applicable advice, namely my in-laws.
I had problems then, but I was trying to talk myself out of dealing with them, facing them, or even feeling them. In that blog, I talked about my inability to forgive; about how tired I was from waiting for good things to happen; about how I felt my life was not going anyway like I planned; all in abstract manner, or at least that was what I thought!
A fellow blogger once told me she liked how I talked so openly about whatever crossed my mind and how she liked the way I made fun of everything. She had no idea I had that many issues, so I just told her I hid behind my alias and said the things I felt comfortable saying.
I remember I tried to let my anger and frustration out by talking about my marriage; I started a series of posts called “Diaries of an Angry Pregnant Woman”. I talked about my childhood and the years before I met him; I just couldn’t talk about him back then… probably because I was still trying to talk myself into staying in the marriage. I couldn’t just get it out in the open that I was badly hurt by him and somehow continue living with him.
I think shortly after I killed that project, I deleted my blog; I don’t remember why exactly, but I guess I was tired of not being able to channel any of my turmoil at that time. It was exactly a year ago when I deleted it. If memory serves, I deleted after I posted about my late nana; I think that was the closest I have come to talking about my personal pain.
Then I started an older version of this blog that lasted three whole months after I gave birth to my mocha. I named it My Oblivia to leave all the thoughts that haunted in my own oblivion, where I could just have them out of my real life, into the blogsphere; a place where they wouldn’t find their way back to haunt me, while on the other hand I could find them if I was ever ready to deal with them.
I deleted it because he asked me if I had a blog and that he wanted its address if I did. I lied about having a blog, and deleted it after we hung up because I hated having to lie the way he always lied to my face. This is how I punished myself for not being able to tell him the truth!!
After deleting the blog, my thoughts remained in my head depriving me of sleep and peace. I felt nostalgic to my little place that seemed to be more than just an oblivion, but a place I could somehow clear my mind… nostalgia and oblivion; two of my favorite words, two words that somehow contradict, yet made more sense together in my head.
It was where I spilled all my tears when he was playing all his sick games and emotionally manipulating me until I was drained. It was where I spent the first few hours of my 26th birthday shortly after he told me every possible hurtful word he could think of. It was the last time I had a death wish. Sad memories I know, but it was the time I finally decided to stop the abuse he subjected me to and return to who I once was; this makes up for how sad the memories are.
My blog was the way I found my way back to ME, at least one of the ways. I figured that if I missed my blog and cared about having it back more than I cared about my x, then I definitely did not need him in my life. This is why two days later, I revived my blog.
By the end of the same month, I came out. The more I wrote about my failure of a marriage, the better I felt, and the more I realized it was ok, and that it wasn’t as terrible as it felt when I kept piling the things I was unable to talk about except with a couple of people who were probably sick and tired of seeing me ache the way I did and unable to tell me to walk out because they were afraid they did not know better. Yeah, my sisters and my two best friends didn’t tell me it was time to walk out until I decided it on my own; I am grateful that way because I know it came from me.
People kept commenting and telling me the nicest and most supportive words, words I thought I would never really hear because my dear father was so afraid of the whole divorce procedure he decided to scare me! It’s ok, I know where he comes from and I know how badly it must hurt to see his big girl failing in what everyone viewed as a big achievement!!
Through my blog, I got to know some quite interesting people who didn’t know who I was, yet somehow knew me through all the things I wrote. It felt good to be heard and understood after years of me speaking to someone who never bothered listening.
I no longer had to hide from anything!! My Oblivia became who I am. The only reason I kept the name is because I wanted to always remember how I got here, and well, I am too lazy to think of something original.
I am not always in my best moods, but I am content and peaceful most of the time, which I think should be better than happy at some point. I know more hardships are meant to come my way one way or another, but I don’t care; not out of carelessness, but because I would like to believe that deep down I have found my strength, my peace, and most importantly my faith to overcome whatever awaits me. For that, I am thankful.
I am thankful for my father for doing the best he could to rise above his fears and prejudices.
I am trying to be thankful for my mother for her compassion that she hides for some reason under thick layers of insults and hurtful accusations.
I am grateful for Maat for waking up early in the morning to listen to my doubts and pat my back as she talked me out of them, although I turned out to be right after all!!!
I am grateful for my Goody for feeling for me that way she always does despite how she always says she’s apathetic. She’s not! She’s the most sympathetic person I have known, and it’s not because I know 7alaleef.
I am thankful for D, for the way she could just listen to me say nothing for almost an hour, and then tell me “I understand”; I miss her and I wish her nothing but the best, God bless her.
I am thankful for H for being with me on the phone saying all the prayers I needed to hear and making me repeat after her until peace found its way back into my heart. I try to show her that I am always here if she ever needs me; however, I don’t think I could ever pay her back.
I am thankful for G for making me laugh so hard when all I wanted was to cry. He’s in my prayers right next to my Nana.
I am thankful for B for always telling me the right words that would make me pause and think of the ways should be done… istikharas are the best :)
I am grateful for N’s beautiful email that helped me realize I wasn’t as radical as I was made to believe by him… N, you have a beautiful soul.
I am grateful for Will E’s Art Therapy recommendation; I never got the chance to see it through, but I got the chance to have a good friend.
There are more people for whom I am more than thankful. Some of them in my real life and some came from My Oblivia, but this was written to thank my blog for getting me out of oblivion to where there is light and hope of better days. Thank you My Oblivia, I wish I could promise I would never desert you, but such promises are silly, I’d rather promise that I will always be thankful.
** Did this just sound like one of those Oscar speeches?!!!!
I had problems then, but I was trying to talk myself out of dealing with them, facing them, or even feeling them. In that blog, I talked about my inability to forgive; about how tired I was from waiting for good things to happen; about how I felt my life was not going anyway like I planned; all in abstract manner, or at least that was what I thought!
A fellow blogger once told me she liked how I talked so openly about whatever crossed my mind and how she liked the way I made fun of everything. She had no idea I had that many issues, so I just told her I hid behind my alias and said the things I felt comfortable saying.
I remember I tried to let my anger and frustration out by talking about my marriage; I started a series of posts called “Diaries of an Angry Pregnant Woman”. I talked about my childhood and the years before I met him; I just couldn’t talk about him back then… probably because I was still trying to talk myself into staying in the marriage. I couldn’t just get it out in the open that I was badly hurt by him and somehow continue living with him.
I think shortly after I killed that project, I deleted my blog; I don’t remember why exactly, but I guess I was tired of not being able to channel any of my turmoil at that time. It was exactly a year ago when I deleted it. If memory serves, I deleted after I posted about my late nana; I think that was the closest I have come to talking about my personal pain.
Then I started an older version of this blog that lasted three whole months after I gave birth to my mocha. I named it My Oblivia to leave all the thoughts that haunted in my own oblivion, where I could just have them out of my real life, into the blogsphere; a place where they wouldn’t find their way back to haunt me, while on the other hand I could find them if I was ever ready to deal with them.
I deleted it because he asked me if I had a blog and that he wanted its address if I did. I lied about having a blog, and deleted it after we hung up because I hated having to lie the way he always lied to my face. This is how I punished myself for not being able to tell him the truth!!
After deleting the blog, my thoughts remained in my head depriving me of sleep and peace. I felt nostalgic to my little place that seemed to be more than just an oblivion, but a place I could somehow clear my mind… nostalgia and oblivion; two of my favorite words, two words that somehow contradict, yet made more sense together in my head.
It was where I spilled all my tears when he was playing all his sick games and emotionally manipulating me until I was drained. It was where I spent the first few hours of my 26th birthday shortly after he told me every possible hurtful word he could think of. It was the last time I had a death wish. Sad memories I know, but it was the time I finally decided to stop the abuse he subjected me to and return to who I once was; this makes up for how sad the memories are.
My blog was the way I found my way back to ME, at least one of the ways. I figured that if I missed my blog and cared about having it back more than I cared about my x, then I definitely did not need him in my life. This is why two days later, I revived my blog.
By the end of the same month, I came out. The more I wrote about my failure of a marriage, the better I felt, and the more I realized it was ok, and that it wasn’t as terrible as it felt when I kept piling the things I was unable to talk about except with a couple of people who were probably sick and tired of seeing me ache the way I did and unable to tell me to walk out because they were afraid they did not know better. Yeah, my sisters and my two best friends didn’t tell me it was time to walk out until I decided it on my own; I am grateful that way because I know it came from me.
People kept commenting and telling me the nicest and most supportive words, words I thought I would never really hear because my dear father was so afraid of the whole divorce procedure he decided to scare me! It’s ok, I know where he comes from and I know how badly it must hurt to see his big girl failing in what everyone viewed as a big achievement!!
Through my blog, I got to know some quite interesting people who didn’t know who I was, yet somehow knew me through all the things I wrote. It felt good to be heard and understood after years of me speaking to someone who never bothered listening.
I no longer had to hide from anything!! My Oblivia became who I am. The only reason I kept the name is because I wanted to always remember how I got here, and well, I am too lazy to think of something original.
I am not always in my best moods, but I am content and peaceful most of the time, which I think should be better than happy at some point. I know more hardships are meant to come my way one way or another, but I don’t care; not out of carelessness, but because I would like to believe that deep down I have found my strength, my peace, and most importantly my faith to overcome whatever awaits me. For that, I am thankful.
I am thankful for my father for doing the best he could to rise above his fears and prejudices.
I am trying to be thankful for my mother for her compassion that she hides for some reason under thick layers of insults and hurtful accusations.
I am grateful for Maat for waking up early in the morning to listen to my doubts and pat my back as she talked me out of them, although I turned out to be right after all!!!
I am grateful for my Goody for feeling for me that way she always does despite how she always says she’s apathetic. She’s not! She’s the most sympathetic person I have known, and it’s not because I know 7alaleef.
I am thankful for D, for the way she could just listen to me say nothing for almost an hour, and then tell me “I understand”; I miss her and I wish her nothing but the best, God bless her.
I am thankful for H for being with me on the phone saying all the prayers I needed to hear and making me repeat after her until peace found its way back into my heart. I try to show her that I am always here if she ever needs me; however, I don’t think I could ever pay her back.
I am thankful for G for making me laugh so hard when all I wanted was to cry. He’s in my prayers right next to my Nana.
I am thankful for B for always telling me the right words that would make me pause and think of the ways should be done… istikharas are the best :)
I am grateful for N’s beautiful email that helped me realize I wasn’t as radical as I was made to believe by him… N, you have a beautiful soul.
I am grateful for Will E’s Art Therapy recommendation; I never got the chance to see it through, but I got the chance to have a good friend.
There are more people for whom I am more than thankful. Some of them in my real life and some came from My Oblivia, but this was written to thank my blog for getting me out of oblivion to where there is light and hope of better days. Thank you My Oblivia, I wish I could promise I would never desert you, but such promises are silly, I’d rather promise that I will always be thankful.
** Did this just sound like one of those Oscar speeches?!!!!
March 10, 2008
On plans
People overrate plans, or do they??
I am not a planner, never was!! The most I have planned back in the day was a short to-do list that I never got to mark all of it because I got distracted doing other things.
Growing up with a father like mine, I could never have any long term plans of trips with friends, courses, training, or simply hanging out!! How could I when I used to spend every weekend on Cairo-Alex Desert road and back!! And summers, well, there was the family vacation wherever and the two weeks a month in Alexandria.
So if my appreciation for plans is not that big, it’s because I had to be flexible enough to make my plans within my dad’s plans; sometimes even too flexible to have plans anyway!! I mean what’s the use of plans if you cannot control most of the external factors??!!
When I got married, I was the perfect wife that way, no plans of my own!! I mean hey let’s go, why not! Let’s stay in, cool!! I am going with friends, ok, I will call some of my friends and go see them or have them over, or even watch a movie or check on my favorite aunt!! One thing I was really good at, filling my free time; it’s only natural when I put too many things on hold and wait for the time and space to make them happen.
Until I decided that I needed my own plan now that I am on my own, in a sense! And since I am an amateur, my one plan was not air tight. I knew it!! Not that this particular plan would fall to pieces, but the whole idea of a plan not standing long enough.
I am not upset about it, actually, the fact that I am not upset about it makes me glad I am back to my old self; the person who didn’t dwell much on things she couldn’t control, which makes me wonder what this disgrace of husband did to me!!
I mean in the past few years I had turned into a jealous control freak that fights with herself before him to keep all the anger and range under control. I drove myself crazy; but this is what happens when you don’t feel the security and stability you need, you go crazy and lose all connections with who you originally are.
He made me think it was because this is who I was that he cheated, when I remember very clearly who I was before I met him. I was everyone’s friend, the girl you would confide in and know she wouldn’t let you down and who would always make you see the full half of the cup and have your peace with the empty half; big believer in silver linings.
Of course I had an attitude, of course there was a nasty side to me, but the people I loved and cared for had never seen it. Ok sometimes my sisters see that, but they usually have it coming! Yes you do girls ;)
Haaah, it doesn’t matter any more. I am fine with it all, because I am fine with who I am right now, and where I am; because I can relate to who I once was and who I planned on being for a while. Did I say planned?!!! Ok, wanted is a better word. I supposed I jinxed what I wanted to be by calling it a plan at some point!
Even my post about plans discussed an unplanned thought or two!! Yep, plans do not work for me, and it’s ok; perhaps living the moment is not a bad thing; it’s what I was meant to do, so I should just sit back and enjoy it.
** stretching my arms and smiling... yes B, I am becoming all cat-ish
I worry though, big time… I may write about the restless fetch-dog that I am, but that’s another post for later; as long as I don’t plan to write it :)
I am not a planner, never was!! The most I have planned back in the day was a short to-do list that I never got to mark all of it because I got distracted doing other things.
Growing up with a father like mine, I could never have any long term plans of trips with friends, courses, training, or simply hanging out!! How could I when I used to spend every weekend on Cairo-Alex Desert road and back!! And summers, well, there was the family vacation wherever and the two weeks a month in Alexandria.
So if my appreciation for plans is not that big, it’s because I had to be flexible enough to make my plans within my dad’s plans; sometimes even too flexible to have plans anyway!! I mean what’s the use of plans if you cannot control most of the external factors??!!
When I got married, I was the perfect wife that way, no plans of my own!! I mean hey let’s go, why not! Let’s stay in, cool!! I am going with friends, ok, I will call some of my friends and go see them or have them over, or even watch a movie or check on my favorite aunt!! One thing I was really good at, filling my free time; it’s only natural when I put too many things on hold and wait for the time and space to make them happen.
Until I decided that I needed my own plan now that I am on my own, in a sense! And since I am an amateur, my one plan was not air tight. I knew it!! Not that this particular plan would fall to pieces, but the whole idea of a plan not standing long enough.
I am not upset about it, actually, the fact that I am not upset about it makes me glad I am back to my old self; the person who didn’t dwell much on things she couldn’t control, which makes me wonder what this disgrace of husband did to me!!
I mean in the past few years I had turned into a jealous control freak that fights with herself before him to keep all the anger and range under control. I drove myself crazy; but this is what happens when you don’t feel the security and stability you need, you go crazy and lose all connections with who you originally are.
He made me think it was because this is who I was that he cheated, when I remember very clearly who I was before I met him. I was everyone’s friend, the girl you would confide in and know she wouldn’t let you down and who would always make you see the full half of the cup and have your peace with the empty half; big believer in silver linings.
Of course I had an attitude, of course there was a nasty side to me, but the people I loved and cared for had never seen it. Ok sometimes my sisters see that, but they usually have it coming! Yes you do girls ;)
Haaah, it doesn’t matter any more. I am fine with it all, because I am fine with who I am right now, and where I am; because I can relate to who I once was and who I planned on being for a while. Did I say planned?!!! Ok, wanted is a better word. I supposed I jinxed what I wanted to be by calling it a plan at some point!
Even my post about plans discussed an unplanned thought or two!! Yep, plans do not work for me, and it’s ok; perhaps living the moment is not a bad thing; it’s what I was meant to do, so I should just sit back and enjoy it.
** stretching my arms and smiling... yes B, I am becoming all cat-ish
I worry though, big time… I may write about the restless fetch-dog that I am, but that’s another post for later; as long as I don’t plan to write it :)
September 22, 2007
“In ma3 al 3osr yousr”…
I know it’s far from over, I know it makes me sound naïve, but I am in a good mood and I actually did have a good day all smiles and laughter despite my awareness that things will get uglier!!
This is me screaming with a big smile on my face “I feel good”… for now at least :) and I will enjoy it damn it!
Ok… now I am ready for more shit, with the same smile and more strength to be patient….
This is me screaming with a big smile on my face “I feel good”… for now at least :) and I will enjoy it damn it!
Ok… now I am ready for more shit, with the same smile and more strength to be patient….
August 31, 2007
Some bla bla bla before I sleep (hopefully)
Disclaimer: this post is written by someone who suffers from insomnia and sleep deprivation, let alone mood swings; hence, won’t make much sense, if any. Read it at your own risk….
This is how I would have started the post:
I hate having to wake in early in the morning to run errands, just hate it!! Somehow, I think it takes the balance off my already disturbed life. That’s why I expected today to suck big time… I woke up early, had to meet with a person I am no longer comfortable around and then had to deal with my mom’s temper!!
I also hate how I have to bear up with people’s shit. Growing up, my dad was so strict about respecting your elders and such, I think it actually stuck… now I hate how people just abuse that… my mom says, I only have guts to talk back at her and it’s somewhat true I hate to admit… but in my defense, she should not put up with anyone calling her to accuse me of things and having my words twisted… if she could take that, than she might as well take what I have to say about it!! (I’m sorry mom, but it gets to me every time).
What I hate the most is when people think they know what’s best for me more than I do. I’ve had to sit and listen to whatever useless advice my dear uncle G had for me about my “situation” and how I can’t have an objective opinion about any of it since it’s happening to me. Seriously!! So it happens to me, I suffer from the consequences, yet I don’t get a say in any of it since it’s happening to me!!! And I thought I could have him talk some sense into my dad… well, good job G, all my dad needed was someone to tell him he’s right… I swear if I didn’t love the two of you, I would have… who am I kidding… I wouldn’t do a thing.
Anyways, in a desperate attempt to get back in touch with my long lost optimism, and follow that new there's-a-silver-lining approach, here are some good things that helped make that day bearable…
Having a free line to call my best friend whenever I feel like I need a boost…
Sharing a few occasional jokes with my dad away from all the drama that’s going around and his opinionated point of view…
Having a friendly conversation that would make me laugh and smile at the simplest of things…
Being able to talk myself out of my own prejudices and rise above them, with grace…
Seeing my almost four-month son smile with joy just because I looked at him and said “hey”…
Having my older son waking for a couple of moments to check if I am sitting next to him, throwing me a kiss and then going back to sleep as peacefully as he was…
I think that’s a good reason for me to go to bed with a smile on my face, even if I don’t end up sleeping as fast as I would hope…
This is how I would have started the post:
I hate having to wake in early in the morning to run errands, just hate it!! Somehow, I think it takes the balance off my already disturbed life. That’s why I expected today to suck big time… I woke up early, had to meet with a person I am no longer comfortable around and then had to deal with my mom’s temper!!
I also hate how I have to bear up with people’s shit. Growing up, my dad was so strict about respecting your elders and such, I think it actually stuck… now I hate how people just abuse that… my mom says, I only have guts to talk back at her and it’s somewhat true I hate to admit… but in my defense, she should not put up with anyone calling her to accuse me of things and having my words twisted… if she could take that, than she might as well take what I have to say about it!! (I’m sorry mom, but it gets to me every time).
What I hate the most is when people think they know what’s best for me more than I do. I’ve had to sit and listen to whatever useless advice my dear uncle G had for me about my “situation” and how I can’t have an objective opinion about any of it since it’s happening to me. Seriously!! So it happens to me, I suffer from the consequences, yet I don’t get a say in any of it since it’s happening to me!!! And I thought I could have him talk some sense into my dad… well, good job G, all my dad needed was someone to tell him he’s right… I swear if I didn’t love the two of you, I would have… who am I kidding… I wouldn’t do a thing.
Anyways, in a desperate attempt to get back in touch with my long lost optimism, and follow that new there's-a-silver-lining approach, here are some good things that helped make that day bearable…
Having a free line to call my best friend whenever I feel like I need a boost…
Sharing a few occasional jokes with my dad away from all the drama that’s going around and his opinionated point of view…
Having a friendly conversation that would make me laugh and smile at the simplest of things…
Being able to talk myself out of my own prejudices and rise above them, with grace…
Seeing my almost four-month son smile with joy just because I looked at him and said “hey”…
Having my older son waking for a couple of moments to check if I am sitting next to him, throwing me a kiss and then going back to sleep as peacefully as he was…
I think that’s a good reason for me to go to bed with a smile on my face, even if I don’t end up sleeping as fast as I would hope…
August 24, 2007
A Utopian still!!!
I thought I hit rock bottom… I really really thought I did… then it got so much worse…
I thought I lost faith, almost did anyways….but thankfully, the more shit I got into the easier I could find my way back…
Even then, I though I lost faith in the basic goodness of people… that I was certain of… I was starting to adopt the all-people-are-bastards-until-proven-otherwise approach in life…
Until… I was talking with someone who was saying how love is overrated and the best is to like, not love….
I don’t know where it all came from, but I found myself saying the exact lines:
Love is not just something you feel for your partner in life… love has different forms, forms that could feel a lot stronger than that… I love my mom though I always always fight with her… I adore my dad though I resented him through my teenage years… I love my best friend and could rely on her any time… I am crazy about my sisters… my love for my kids runs in my veins… I love so many people who are good to me and I am hundred percent sure they love me back… the mere feeling of loving and being loved is very fulfilling, it makes you feel safe and protected….
Needless to say that the person I was talking to had very strong urges to throw up and said I was too cheesy to believe I had any shit going on with my life to start with… she kept saying that I am naive to actually think life is a beautiful place…
Truth is, I think life is shit… it is!!! Lucky for me, I have just come to remember how many people I have whom I can call and tell them all about my problems knowing that by the end of the phone call I will not be thinking about those problems… the only reason I wouldn’t call is because I wouldn’t like to expose myself, I mean if I could I could have just blogged about it day and night…
Just when I thought I couldn’t be anymore cynical, I find out that I still belong to that Utopia I thought I no longer believed in… yesss, I have friends as solid, strong and fancy as a marble staircase out of a fairytale and that makes my life worth its while…
I am so grateful… and I have made a resolution; I will let all those I love know that I love them… as shocked and sarcastic as they will be (they will practically make fun of me till I cry), I think they deserve to have that very same feeling I have as I am writing those lines… fulfilled, safe and protected.
p.s. I will quote kareemfromegypt and say “For anyone who feels like vomiting after reading this post, I left several buckets alongside the tissues by the exit :)”
I thought I lost faith, almost did anyways….but thankfully, the more shit I got into the easier I could find my way back…
Even then, I though I lost faith in the basic goodness of people… that I was certain of… I was starting to adopt the all-people-are-bastards-until-proven-otherwise approach in life…
Until… I was talking with someone who was saying how love is overrated and the best is to like, not love….
I don’t know where it all came from, but I found myself saying the exact lines:
Love is not just something you feel for your partner in life… love has different forms, forms that could feel a lot stronger than that… I love my mom though I always always fight with her… I adore my dad though I resented him through my teenage years… I love my best friend and could rely on her any time… I am crazy about my sisters… my love for my kids runs in my veins… I love so many people who are good to me and I am hundred percent sure they love me back… the mere feeling of loving and being loved is very fulfilling, it makes you feel safe and protected….
Needless to say that the person I was talking to had very strong urges to throw up and said I was too cheesy to believe I had any shit going on with my life to start with… she kept saying that I am naive to actually think life is a beautiful place…
Truth is, I think life is shit… it is!!! Lucky for me, I have just come to remember how many people I have whom I can call and tell them all about my problems knowing that by the end of the phone call I will not be thinking about those problems… the only reason I wouldn’t call is because I wouldn’t like to expose myself, I mean if I could I could have just blogged about it day and night…
Just when I thought I couldn’t be anymore cynical, I find out that I still belong to that Utopia I thought I no longer believed in… yesss, I have friends as solid, strong and fancy as a marble staircase out of a fairytale and that makes my life worth its while…
I am so grateful… and I have made a resolution; I will let all those I love know that I love them… as shocked and sarcastic as they will be (they will practically make fun of me till I cry), I think they deserve to have that very same feeling I have as I am writing those lines… fulfilled, safe and protected.
p.s. I will quote kareemfromegypt and say “For anyone who feels like vomiting after reading this post, I left several buckets alongside the tissues by the exit :)”
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