A Quick Reflection…

Yesterday, I decided to go to bed really early since I have one hell of a busy week ahead of me. I normally don’t have any before-bedtime rituals, but for some reason I lingered in front of my dresser.

Something about my messy curls made me decided to take a longer look and fix my hair. Untying my hair band I didn’t feel like brushing the curls loose, so I just fixed it with my hand and kept observing my face.

I looked different… I admit I had a glow about me, a glow I haven’t seen in such a long time!

For the first time in years, I looked at my face and felt pretty! I liked how almost round my face looked although round is not how anyone would describe my face. I liked how especially pink my cheeks were even though I blush as a reflex action to happiness, anger, excitement, heat, embarrassment, and you name it! Most of all, I liked how bright and shiny my eyes were.

Yes, despite all the inconveniences and my childish reaction towards them, I had it in me to be happy!

I washed my face, prayed, and jumped into bed.

Although my body was beat, my spirit was rather too high for me to fall asleep right away.

Without noticing, I found myself daydreaming… and that was when it hit me! I don’t even remember the last time I daydreamed!!! ME! I usually daydream 3ala roo7y!! That was when I realized that I have been swallowed up in all the stress, anxiety and drama to the extent that my subconscious gave up on daydreaming and crippled my imagination.

A big smile made its way to my face, visions of people and places kept flowing through my mind so smoothly; millions of happy scenarios and millions of imaginary possibilities that somehow made my spirit calm as if some invisible arms were holding me safe. And before I knew it, I was sound asleep, no insomnia!

I can hear my cynical self telling me I am digging my own grave with all those dreams; building up expectations and hopes over things that I can’t control! Who cares, I am happy for now, and as for my daydreams, nothing is carved on stone here.

Why doesn't revenge taste so sweet?

Did I ever mention that I find vengeance to be one of the most interesting notions? It is; it’s such a drive that has its very own strong momentum and it can just drag for years and years, and like it or not it’s behind a lot of good plots be it in reality or fiction.

Is it a co-incidence that most of my favorite movies revolve around the consuming idea of vengeance. When I first read A Tale of Two Cities, as appalled as I was by Madame De Farge’s unforgiving pursuit of Charles Darnay and his family, deep down, I couldn’t help but sympathize for the amount of injustice she’s been subjected to which completely changed her into what she’s become. You must react to that kind of hurt and feel for it even if it turns into something so cruel.

When I read The Count of Monte Cristo, I was satisfied with Edmond’s revenge and it was as if I was getting my own. Yes, I believe in payback and it in its healing power just as I believe in the destruction it could cause to all parties.

I could go on and on about vengeance and how I think it could be legitimate, as well as when I think it went to an uncontrollable extreme, but I’m not sure I’d come up with something any more brilliant than all the things that’s been previously written. Just take my word for it, revenge is a very strong thing and it’s anything simple or marginal; it’s also the thought that came to mind as I started writing this.

Where do I begin, I’m sure a lot of those who read this know where it started, or at least are familiar enough. Nonetheless, I find it hard to write this coherently because if I do it will be too long for me to write and it might get more personal than I can afford, so it will just be bits and pieces, and I’ll leave it to your imagination to fill in the details.

I once told him I’d break him to pieces if he’d ever hurt me that way again. I looked him right in the eyes saying I’d destroy him and he’d see a side of me neither of us knew existed. I guess he knew me better then because he never believed; he hurt me anyway! When the time came for me to use everything I could possibly know against him, I just couldn’t. I am not saying I am a better person here, I am not; because I spent enough time thinking of how I could harm him, and there came times when I was very close to doing it, I just didn’t know if I had it in me to live with myself and whatever consequences there were to come.

Some time long after I got over my shock and my agony, I stumbled into a movie, Something’s Gotta Give. At the end, when Jack Nicholson goes all the way to Paris to win Diane Keaton back, only he finds her there with Keanu Reeves (EWWWW). There is that moment where they’re singing her happy birthday and she’s laughing so happily in Keanu’s arms (EWWWW again), and you can see the way Nicholson looking at her an you can almost hear him thinking “that should have been me holding her”. That was when I decided that the only revenge I could get without being a horrible person was to see that very same look on his face. I wanted him to see me living happily, enjoying the life he can no longer share with me.

I forced myself to move on and be stronger just to have that moment. I glorified the feeling I’d get and used it as a motive to get myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. I can’t deny that I have a relationship phobia or that I have so little faith in love. I can’t deny that in the process of moving on, I almost stumbled and fell, and that I still look back and wonder what the hell happened back there. I always end up shaking my head and saying it didn’t matter; I was never ready and it was never meant to be. Little by little, it started to be less about my revenge moment and more about just getting by day after the other.

Now, that we’re on talking basis again, I see him quite often. He very occasionally hints that he still wants me back and that I’m better off with him than with anybody to the extent that I find it insulting because WOW, if I’m better off with him then I’m really bound to misery! Seeing him, talking to him and having to communicate with him amicably for the boys’ sake, I realized I’m actually capable of being a bigger person, something I never thought I could do! It’s not that I am not that forgiving or that I am vindictive by nature; it’s just because I distinctively remember how hurt I was and how the idea of revenge helped me get back on my feet, or close enough.

Yesterday, I took a leap of growing up. I agreed (without much argument) to have the kids visit his grandma before her surgery. I did that knowing there will be all sorts of people I dislike there. I wasn’t that pleasant except to the one person in his family that’s been decent to me, and the sick person to whom I couldn’t really afford beingharsh, given her age and her health status despite how much I dislike her. I could clearly see how embarrassed he was when his kids didn’t know his own immediate family and were too intimidated to let go of my hands, I actually felt sorry for him and kneeled on my knees as I tried to soothe the boys and tell them to go say hi to people I don’t even like. I don’t know, I really surprise myself at times.

Today, I had that moment I had almost forgotten that I once wanted! I just did a while ago. It wasn’t face to face, and I didn’t have a Keanu to hold me (THANK GOD), only I didn’t think it brought as much comfort as I once thought it would.

He apologized, he acknowledged his faults and he said I was never the bad person he worked so hard to make it sound like.

He said he was lonely and with all that money could buy him, he couldn’t find someone who loved him the way he knew I once did.

He said he was miserable, and it was eating him up that he can no longer see that love in my eyes, and that the best he could hope for was indifference.

He said he found some of my last journals from before I left, and that he read how I gradually lost hope in him, and he couldn’t believe he had become that person he himself detested as he read on.

I wanted to stop him because it sounded too sincere and I didn’t want him to put himself out there when I knew I was going to reject him at the end of his speech. Only he wouldn’t let me, he said his apology was due and it was hard enough for him to apologize so I should just let him.

Why didn’t I feel the warmth and fuzziness I promised myself all those two years? Why did I not smile contently that he’s sorry and suffering? Why did I not find solace in his misery and regret?

I have two theories; it’s either because I have more damage than him only it wasn’t my own doing like it is in his case, or because I have taken my time healing on my own, I no longer need any revenge from him. I don’t think it’s either, at least not exclusively.

Either way, his apology didn’t bring that much of a victory I long anticipated! In the contrary, it brought confusion because as he spoke of good things we once shared, I found my mind drifting to the horrible things that happened and took all the good away. He spoke of memories that were no longer so vivid and it confused me even more to be caught between resentment and sympathy for the same person.

I really wish we could write the words “The End” now, and that we can manage to be good to each other outside the marriage just for the sake of the kids. He still says it’s too hard for him to let me go, but I would like to think he would after all is clear enough to him. He thinks I might change my mind given time, but he doesn’t get that the more time I spend with him, the more I realize we were not a good match like I once thought and that there is nothing in the world that would make me repeat the mistake of choosing to be with him.

At the end of the day, I am glad and grateful I am not in his shoes and I do not have his burdens or his guilt. I realize that it is a blessing that I am not enjoying my revenge because it means that there is something in me he couldn’t change. Did that make any sense?

I'm in Love!

I don’t know what it is that’s gotten to me; but I know for sure it’s not the cheap valentine crap. This song speaks to the romantic in me, everything in it; the lyrics, the music and I am just taken by Andrea’s singing and his tender voice. It’s like I’m in another world, made of nothing but clouds and floating musical notes, only for me! Enjoy…

Bésame Mucho*

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Quiero tenerte muy cerca
Mirarme en tus ojos
Verte junto a mi
Piensa que tal ves mañana
Yo ya estaré lejos
Muy lejos de ti

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

*Lyrics and Translation

Falling into place…

I am still too overwhelmed to write a coherent post that links all the pieces together without being too long and blabber-ish!

All I can say is that it all makes sense now, or at least most of it!

I never really thought it would, I never imagined I’d see it so clearly, but I do, and it feels amazing, indescribable actually!

I think of all the people I have known through the last couple of years and I see the value each has added, the contribution each has made to my emotional and mental growth! Even the ones I don’t understand do not bring turmoil; strangely enough, the confusion comes with an accepting smile.

I look at the darkest part of my life and I am grateful it’s behind me. I understand how I got there and I appreciate that I finally found a way out. I am acknowledging my share of responsibility on how I got myself in that much trouble and I forgive myself. Strangely enough, I am also willing to forgive others; it’s a bit conditional, but it’s a place to start. Who knew!

My old problems will come to an end, one way or the other, I still don’t know which, but I know it will end soon and that’s a relief.

I still have my fears and my worries, but I am convinced that if I keep a clear perspective like I do right now, I shall be safe. I have my well defined set of rules, and I know which ones I can break and when, and I am happy that way.

It’s time to give something back. I would be lying if I say it’s completely selfless of me, it’s also self-serving; I need to be constantly reminded of what I’ve been through so that I won’t forget what I have to do, and so that I don’t let myself lose my way again.

Looks like it’s time this blog is no longer a moping space, at least not quite as often! I don’t know how I would find the words to fill it, but I know I will find something to say, I always do! After all, I am not that zen and I am still working on getting my divorce, not to mention my high expectations of life which of course will lead me to many disappointments to come… so there is always good drama there ;)

I’ve come a long way, and I like it here

"You've come a long way" That’s what two of my friends whom I’ve got to know through this blog have told me when they last heard about my last encounters with the x. They said they were proud, and hearing that from two people who have not even gotten to see how it was when I first started, I couldn’t help but feel much prouder.

That’s the thought that came to mind as he kept calling.

Flashbacks of me crying nonstop since it all started, memories of utter confusion and self-doubt. Small details that haunted me and took away my peace, I remember them all! Not as painfully clear as I thought I would always do; they don’t bring as much pain, almost none, but they are quite the reminder of what I’ve been through.

Like the few hours before my c-section… and before that, the long drives with my pregnant belly and tears blinding me. Like the stitches that kept coming off post surgery from all the weeping and sobbing. Like the public humiliation caused by all the lies and the insults. Like his girlfriend walking towards me and rubbing it in and the dentists who used such information to harass me… millions of small details that caused so much turbulence and led me to believe I could never bounce back.

So I guess yes, I never thought I would reach indifference. I spent too many hours wishing for revenge and hoping I’d see him painfully regretting all of it. My ego visualized scenarios of him asking to have me back and me harshly rejecting him and hurting him twice as much as he hurt me. There were times I even motivated myself to move on by imagining the negative impact it would have on him to see me taking control of my own life without him. Until recently, I would occasionally wish him terrible things when it gets too annoying for my taste, and then I’d silently blame myself and shake off the negative feelings or write about it when it was too much to be shaken.

Until he actually asked me to return to him, I did not realize it would mean NOTHING to me the way it did! My ego did not even gloat about it; it seemed to shake its non-existing head without the least signs of interest, who knew! I found myself smiling to myself, for indifference felt much better to me than any possible revenge I could possibly plot or hope for! I am grateful that way.

So no, you don’t have any hold on me whatsoever, and it feels liberating to really know that you can’t get to me like you once did. It’s not fulfilling that you keep asking me to reconsider, it’s rather discomforting because it makes me worry my continuous rejection will make you react violently. Men do not take rejection well, something about male ego… and let’s put it this way, you’re not the sanest of men, not even close.

When you keep asking dull questions that should give you hints on my so called romantic life, you make me wanna laugh! You wouldn’t understand, all those who smile at me like they know better do not get it either. My romantic self is brain-dead, she’s on life support and I am too afraid to declare it, but I know she would not wake up, and I am completely ok with it; it makes me feel safe that way.

And no, I don’t want a divorce so that I can get married, I dread marriage now, not just because of the horrible experience or the lessons I learned in the process, but also because I know I would lose my kids to you, something I can never live with… but would you know about that!

Stop trying to talk me into being with you, stop trying to talk me out of divorce. There is no chance in hell I would reconsider. Had you known me better, you’d know I would not compromise on that one; that’s what happens when you marry solely for love, you have no reason to stay once that love is beaten out of you :)

Let me enjoy my peace, and go look for yours elsewhere for I have none to offer you.

For the time being…

I never really knew where I wanted to be…
I never really knew who I was,
And I never really knew what I wanted!

I always thought it was enough to know where I did not want to be…
I found peace in knowing what I was not,
And I was convinced about the things I did not want!

Apparently, that was not always the best approach!!

Turns out, I spent too much time avoiding where I did not want to go, instead of going places…
I realized that knowing what I was not, didn't define who I was,
And it hit me that I missed some good things just because I didn’t know I wanted them!

Too many ups and even more downs, yet I am still baffled!
However, in a very brief moment of clarity, it hit me…

For the time being, I know where I am…
For the time being, I know what I want!!
At least for the time being, and perhaps for a limited period of time!

I have an outline of who I am, but I am still trying to figure that out…
It’s taking some time, but I am ok with it;
Because once I know who I am,
I will be able to know where I want to be and what I want when things change

All I am asking for is more of that peace,
And more signs to let me know I am on the right path…
At least, for the time being!

I’m grateful...

I’m grateful for every single thing that happened today!

I’m grateful for how the day started at the stroke of midnight with my best friend D calling to be the first to wish me a happy birthday like back in the old days...

I’m grateful that I came back to my laptop to find tons and tons of birthday wishes sent through by my amazing blogger buddies and all my friends who happened to be online and awake at that time!

I’m grateful for the weird late call starting with “fraiser”!!!!

I’m grateful for being able to wake up at 6 am so that I could get my kids ready to go to the nursery and make it to work on time for a change!

I’m grateful that my colleagues commented that I looked radiant and that my boss let me take a couple of hours off to check on my kids in their new nursery...

I’m grateful that all through my working hours, every blog I stumbled upon, I found the author wishing me a happy birthday!! It really felt like unwrapping a present each time... Thank you all dear blogger buddies; your gesture made my day, literally :)

I’m grateful I ran into M on facebook chat and got to know he’d be visiting Egypt this month and that we could get together some time...

I’m grateful my sister offered to babysit my kids so that I could go out with my two best friends...

I’m grateful I got to meet D and H out and that I could have my first peaceful dinner in quite some time without mocha or beem making a scene...

I’m grateful H decided to stop by just to wish me a happy birthday...

I’m grateful that on my way home, a B’s sister called to tell me B sent me a gift and that she wants to meet so that she can give it to me... Thanks B, I hope you’re reading, you’re just too kind :)

I’m grateful that I found a parking place and did not have to drive around the house till one clears...

I’m grateful both my kids were up when I was home and I got to see how happy they were with the balloons and the toys I got on my way home; it’s priceless to see those two jumping joyfully

I’m grateful that up until now (3 minutes to midnight), I have not received one single text message from him and not a single missed call... I really am grateful.

All those things I just said I’m grateful for made my day extraordinary... I think I just had the first good birthday in quite some time... for that I am most grateful :)

My daily dose of peace...

I find trouble parking almost every day; it's only natural in Cairo.

Even where I work, where I actually have my very own parking space, I drive into the parking lot to find big SUVs blocking my way!! Moreover, they have that huge thing covered in an ugly green cloth making it harder for me to get into my space.

It's only natural that I walk all the way from the parking lot into the building with a serious face, if not a frown.

Until i see the old security man, I say "Salamo 3aleikom"... he nods, smiles back and says "Wa 3alekom al salam ya benty"... I give him my brightest smile as I walk towards the elevators.

It's fair to say, this man makes me smile all the way up. And as I take the elevator back down at the end of the day, I have that smile on my face as I pass by his desk and say "Salamo 3aleikom", and he answers back "ma3 al salama ya benty"

There is something extremely peaceful about his calm wrinkled face and his warm smile; it gives the greeting more meaning that way!

God bless him.

My April’s Fools

I generally like it when bad things fail to piss me off. It totally boosts my self esteem because it makes me feel bigger than the shit I am usually vulnerable to.

So when you called and told me to akhbat rasy fel 7eet two days after begging for reconciliation and making me thinking about how it would be if I consider it... it didn’t get to me.

Your plan to dodge the next legal procedure by expressing fake guilt would have been brilliant if I were that 20 year old shmuck who thought the world of you; now, it’s more like a silly April’s fools that made me shake my head and say “touché”, or like the sofaaj me says “bala waksa”

From now on, the joke will be on you.

To My Oblivia

Around two years ago, I started an older version of this blog, that I named Organized Chaos. It was basically an outlet where I could babble about the joys of motherhood and also rant about how people keep giving me non-applicable advice, namely my in-laws.

I had problems then, but I was trying to talk myself out of dealing with them, facing them, or even feeling them. In that blog, I talked about my inability to forgive; about how tired I was from waiting for good things to happen; about how I felt my life was not going anyway like I planned; all in abstract manner, or at least that was what I thought!

A fellow blogger once told me she liked how I talked so openly about whatever crossed my mind and how she liked the way I made fun of everything. She had no idea I had that many issues, so I just told her I hid behind my alias and said the things I felt comfortable saying.

I remember I tried to let my anger and frustration out by talking about my marriage; I started a series of posts called “Diaries of an Angry Pregnant Woman”. I talked about my childhood and the years before I met him; I just couldn’t talk about him back then… probably because I was still trying to talk myself into staying in the marriage. I couldn’t just get it out in the open that I was badly hurt by him and somehow continue living with him.

I think shortly after I killed that project, I deleted my blog; I don’t remember why exactly, but I guess I was tired of not being able to channel any of my turmoil at that time. It was exactly a year ago when I deleted it. If memory serves, I deleted after I posted about my late nana; I think that was the closest I have come to talking about my personal pain.

Then I started an older version of this blog that lasted three whole months after I gave birth to my mocha. I named it My Oblivia to leave all the thoughts that haunted in my own oblivion, where I could just have them out of my real life, into the blogsphere; a place where they wouldn’t find their way back to haunt me, while on the other hand I could find them if I was ever ready to deal with them.

I deleted it because he asked me if I had a blog and that he wanted its address if I did. I lied about having a blog, and deleted it after we hung up because I hated having to lie the way he always lied to my face. This is how I punished myself for not being able to tell him the truth!!
After deleting the blog, my thoughts remained in my head depriving me of sleep and peace. I felt nostalgic to my little place that seemed to be more than just an oblivion, but a place I could somehow clear my mind… nostalgia and oblivion; two of my favorite words, two words that somehow contradict, yet made more sense together in my head.

It was where I spilled all my tears when he was playing all his sick games and emotionally manipulating me until I was drained. It was where I spent the first few hours of my 26th birthday shortly after he told me every possible hurtful word he could think of. It was the last time I had a death wish. Sad memories I know, but it was the time I finally decided to stop the abuse he subjected me to and return to who I once was; this makes up for how sad the memories are.

My blog was the way I found my way back to ME, at least one of the ways. I figured that if I missed my blog and cared about having it back more than I cared about my x, then I definitely did not need him in my life. This is why two days later, I revived my blog.

By the end of the same month, I came out. The more I wrote about my failure of a marriage, the better I felt, and the more I realized it was ok, and that it wasn’t as terrible as it felt when I kept piling the things I was unable to talk about except with a couple of people who were probably sick and tired of seeing me ache the way I did and unable to tell me to walk out because they were afraid they did not know better. Yeah, my sisters and my two best friends didn’t tell me it was time to walk out until I decided it on my own; I am grateful that way because I know it came from me.

People kept commenting and telling me the nicest and most supportive words, words I thought I would never really hear because my dear father was so afraid of the whole divorce procedure he decided to scare me! It’s ok, I know where he comes from and I know how badly it must hurt to see his big girl failing in what everyone viewed as a big achievement!!

Through my blog, I got to know some quite interesting people who didn’t know who I was, yet somehow knew me through all the things I wrote. It felt good to be heard and understood after years of me speaking to someone who never bothered listening.

I no longer had to hide from anything!! My Oblivia became who I am. The only reason I kept the name is because I wanted to always remember how I got here, and well, I am too lazy to think of something original.

I am not always in my best moods, but I am content and peaceful most of the time, which I think should be better than happy at some point. I know more hardships are meant to come my way one way or another, but I don’t care; not out of carelessness, but because I would like to believe that deep down I have found my strength, my peace, and most importantly my faith to overcome whatever awaits me. For that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my father for doing the best he could to rise above his fears and prejudices.

I am trying to be thankful for my mother for her compassion that she hides for some reason under thick layers of insults and hurtful accusations.

I am grateful for Maat for waking up early in the morning to listen to my doubts and pat my back as she talked me out of them, although I turned out to be right after all!!!

I am grateful for my Goody for feeling for me that way she always does despite how she always says she’s apathetic. She’s not! She’s the most sympathetic person I have known, and it’s not because I know 7alaleef.

I am thankful for D, for the way she could just listen to me say nothing for almost an hour, and then tell me “I understand”; I miss her and I wish her nothing but the best, God bless her.

I am thankful for H for being with me on the phone saying all the prayers I needed to hear and making me repeat after her until peace found its way back into my heart. I try to show her that I am always here if she ever needs me; however, I don’t think I could ever pay her back.

I am thankful for G for making me laugh so hard when all I wanted was to cry. He’s in my prayers right next to my Nana.

I am thankful for B for always telling me the right words that would make me pause and think of the ways should be done… istikharas are the best :)

I am grateful for N’s beautiful email that helped me realize I wasn’t as radical as I was made to believe by him… N, you have a beautiful soul.

I am grateful for Will E’s Art Therapy recommendation; I never got the chance to see it through, but I got the chance to have a good friend.

There are more people for whom I am more than thankful. Some of them in my real life and some came from My Oblivia, but this was written to thank my blog for getting me out of oblivion to where there is light and hope of better days. Thank you My Oblivia, I wish I could promise I would never desert you, but such promises are silly, I’d rather promise that I will always be thankful.

** Did this just sound like one of those Oscar speeches?!!!!

Linger

I always loved that song! Ever since I first listened to it; and I loved it even more when I listened to the live version from the Pavarotti and Friends concert for the Children of Bosnia.

It was strange for all my friends to hear me say how much I loved that particular song because they would tell me things like “I don’t see you getting your heart broken over anyone, you have a careful heart and you’re too strong to be wrapped around anyone’s finger” and later, they used to say with a puzzeled tone “but you're happily married, this song does not suit you”… hehehe *sarcastic laugh*

For the past three years, this song used to make me ache way too much. I have verses of it written all over my notebooks, and the journal I kept, and even on word files!! It didn’t just hurt because he hurt me; it hurt because I let him hurt me. I let him wrap me around his finger, I let myself be foolish enough to believe his lame ass lies, I let him use me, and at some point, I let him change me.

This song made me angry at myself more than anyone else!! I thought I was smarter than that; smarter than to fall for a person like him. That’s what people told me all the time, and that’s what I believed; I am a smart person who wouldn’t let any one take advantage of me… again, hahahaha *ok, I actually find this funny*

This song was my worst nightmare come to life! Knowing that he wasn’t worth it, acknowledging he’s a piece of crap and yet for some reason wondering why he had to let it linger.

A few days ago, as I was driving with my sisters to or from Alexandria (I honestly don’t remember), the song played. And for the first time in the past three years, I sang along with a huge smile on my face; no sadness, no bitterness, no anger, but most of all, no linger.

It’s still a good song, too good to remind me of him.

** this was written a coupel of weeks ago, only posted today for Ran

same song, different angle…

My cousin finally got me some of the oldies I asked him for a couple of months ago; he does not have such a bad memory afterall!!

For the first time in a number of years, I listened to Abdel Haleem’s Balash 3etab. My best friend D once forced me into listening to it shortly after a painful break up. I remember telling her the lyrics we more than ok only I couldn’t relate and then somehow turned the whole thing into a joke and well, we were watching the song as part of the movie, and seeing Abdel Haleem singing always cracked me up. If you’re a Abdel Haleem fan, don’t ask.

I listened to the song yesterday, somehow I related. As a matter of fact, a few words just found their way right into the scars I have, causing them to somehow itch.

I was just telling a friend of mine how I related, except for how the song kept saying “ya habeeby”, he is not habeeby; he’s anything but that. My friend told me that the “ya habeeby” is what made the song brilliant, because it made the song more like an unsent letter to the figure once thought of as a loved one, not the current person who no longer was.

I found myself agreeing, because the lyrics, the way they were written; they would only make sense when they are spoken to the person I once thought he was to me. Other than that, it wouldn’t make sense if I say them to the idiot who ruined it all leaving me nothing but dismay for this person, the one he is right now, wouldn’t understand any of it. The person he is right now would mistake it for lingering feelings, and would accordingly think he has an edge that does not even exist; pathetic really!!

Listening to the song, made me realize a couple of things… it’s been a year since he left for China!! Mocha’s birthday is in two months; the whole drama has been going on for almost a year! Boy does time pass!!

It also made me realize that I still remember there were good moments, moments that hurt to remember; not because they make me feel nostalgic, but because it feels like they were wasted on the wrong person for a long time. So for what it’s worth, all the times I have cried through the past year, it wasn’t over him, it was over me and all the lost chances on his account.

This is what I have to say to the not habeeby him: if you have one ounce of anything good in you, just let me go damn it.

On plans

People overrate plans, or do they??

I am not a planner, never was!! The most I have planned back in the day was a short to-do list that I never got to mark all of it because I got distracted doing other things.

Growing up with a father like mine, I could never have any long term plans of trips with friends, courses, training, or simply hanging out!! How could I when I used to spend every weekend on Cairo-Alex Desert road and back!! And summers, well, there was the family vacation wherever and the two weeks a month in Alexandria.

So if my appreciation for plans is not that big, it’s because I had to be flexible enough to make my plans within my dad’s plans; sometimes even too flexible to have plans anyway!! I mean what’s the use of plans if you cannot control most of the external factors??!!

When I got married, I was the perfect wife that way, no plans of my own!! I mean hey let’s go, why not! Let’s stay in, cool!! I am going with friends, ok, I will call some of my friends and go see them or have them over, or even watch a movie or check on my favorite aunt!! One thing I was really good at, filling my free time; it’s only natural when I put too many things on hold and wait for the time and space to make them happen.

Until I decided that I needed my own plan now that I am on my own, in a sense! And since I am an amateur, my one plan was not air tight. I knew it!! Not that this particular plan would fall to pieces, but the whole idea of a plan not standing long enough.

I am not upset about it, actually, the fact that I am not upset about it makes me glad I am back to my old self; the person who didn’t dwell much on things she couldn’t control, which makes me wonder what this disgrace of husband did to me!!

I mean in the past few years I had turned into a jealous control freak that fights with herself before him to keep all the anger and range under control. I drove myself crazy; but this is what happens when you don’t feel the security and stability you need, you go crazy and lose all connections with who you originally are.

He made me think it was because this is who I was that he cheated, when I remember very clearly who I was before I met him. I was everyone’s friend, the girl you would confide in and know she wouldn’t let you down and who would always make you see the full half of the cup and have your peace with the empty half; big believer in silver linings.

Of course I had an attitude, of course there was a nasty side to me, but the people I loved and cared for had never seen it. Ok sometimes my sisters see that, but they usually have it coming! Yes you do girls ;)

Haaah, it doesn’t matter any more. I am fine with it all, because I am fine with who I am right now, and where I am; because I can relate to who I once was and who I planned on being for a while. Did I say planned?!!! Ok, wanted is a better word. I supposed I jinxed what I wanted to be by calling it a plan at some point!

Even my post about plans discussed an unplanned thought or two!! Yep, plans do not work for me, and it’s ok; perhaps living the moment is not a bad thing; it’s what I was meant to do, so I should just sit back and enjoy it.

** stretching my arms and smiling... yes B, I am becoming all cat-ish

I worry though, big time… I may write about the restless fetch-dog that I am, but that’s another post for later; as long as I don’t plan to write it :)

A brief walk down memory lane

My college… where I first felt independent, where somehow I realized on my own that people’s opinions didn’t matter, where I made strong friendships with H and K, where I liked spending time with my colleagues but didn’t make friends with most of them!

Where all the people I kept at a distance used to call me “tenka” and “aleeta”, while those I let in knew better! But both agreed that I was the toughest in my group and that I took shit from no one; friends or foes.

Where I fought with H (over the silliest thing ever) and let stupid N and malicious N get in the way. Where I totally ignored her as stupid N took her side and malicious N took mine.

N and her Libra influence on me!! Very few people influence me that way, and I am not so proud I was influenced by her, but I learned a lot; I learned that when you keep crossing that thin line between your morals and ethics and the things you simply rationalize, you no longer see the line.

I am glad H and I talked again, and I am very grateful our friendship became stronger and I am very ashamed she forgave me for having a ‘gazma adeema’ of a brain. Thanks H, you’re the best college gave me really!

My college memories were never something I would hide from! Except because of him! Thanks to him, I’ve been avoiding passing there because it is also where he had his MBA classes and first started dating behind my back. Since I found out, I couldn’t help but tear up every time I pass there, so I simply avoided the whole place and went around it every time there was an errand to run.

Yesterday I passed there… I had to park my car exactly where I used to back in college days! I had to get out and walk in the same streets I once walked as a young girl who thought the world was hers. I didn’t feel like the world wasn’t mine anymore, but for some reason I kept looking down and checking where my feet were!

I had a meeting in the same place I had my katb ketab party! I walked into the same ballroom to see the settings. I didn’t know what my face conveyed really; I simply can’t remember if I smiled or just looked blankly! But as I walked back to my car and passed by where I once picked him up the day I told him the sex of my first baby, I pulled the breaks and allowed that thought to surface: when he had tears in his eyes and kissed my hand, was it because he was happy, or was it because he felt guilty about two timing me?

Then I drove my way shaking off the thought… it doesn’t matter now, does it? It shouldn’t matter; it wouldn’t change a thing really. And so, I played Souad Massi’s Khsara 3aleik and let the streets leading to home soothe me.

I think I just got my college memories back and I can visit them any time I like now without his memory blocking my thinking.

One bad day, more to come… I am hanging in there!

BAD BAD DAY

I am not about to write details on what caused it, because I found them rather embarrassing, let alone humiliating.

I spent three hours crying and sobbing!! Shivering in anger and disbelief that things would come down to this, with every breath I took, I was praying to God it would be over soon without more shit.

My dad’s driver kept calling my name in an attempt to make me calm down! The man has never seen me that way!!!

I called an old friend of my dad’s and the three of my uncles’ asking for his help, the way he talked to me made me feel better but I couldn’t stop crying. This man had seen me through different times since I was a little girl who couldn’t say two letters, and I think the one time he saw me cry was when I had that serious head injury my uncle K caused.

Two complete strangers whom I had to communicate with saw me that way too, they kept asking me questions with me trying to give coherent answers and when I was finished, one of them said that I looked ‘bent nas’ and that this shall and will make me stronger.

My friend N was there, she kept yelling at me not to cry and be the ‘tough chick’ she’s always known me to be. She kept saying that God is there and no one can dodge his wrath.

My dad called me in the midst of my hysteria and told me, to be strong and that it is all for the best and that by tomorrow better things will happen. However, he didn’t tell me he’d make it stop! Oh I miss how it felt to think your daddy can make the world stop when you stumble and fall until you can stand up again.

As I was crossing the street to get into the car, I felt strong pain in my abdomen, I had no idea what it was but it could be my colon objecting to all the pressure, I sucked it up and walked with my head high, not that anyone was watching.

I went home and found my son running towards me and jumping in my arms and there was my relief… a little hug that lingered giving me something tangible to hold on to in addition to my inner peace and conviction that no one could harm me unless it’s God’s will. I prayed and went in my sister’s room because I didn’t want to be alone only to fall asleep on her bed with my younger son in my arms.

After iftar, my friend H came to check on me. We sat on my bed and I told her the details I could remember in a quiet and calm tone. She kept telling me that it is for the best and that in sha2 Allah everything will be ok, then she smiled and paused, then went on “you know what, I don’t remember ever seeing you that peaceful!! You’re usually ranting and cursing or just crying!! mA, you’ve grown and you finally have that peace you were looking for”.

It made me smile, for I knew exactly what she was talking about. I know the old me would have been blinded by anger to even remember saying God’s name and pray for him. I know I would have just went on and on about what I was gonna do in return; now, I just laid back ad said, let’s see what’s next, and then we’ll see how we should react. Yep, I am back to the person I never really was, but always thought I was!! It took me seven years to see things for how they really are. And if that’s the price I had to pay to get here, alhamdulilah.

Dear God, thank you for everything, thank you for helping me find something good all through the past couple of weeks. I will stop asking You to make it over soon, I will just pray to You that it ends fairly, and when it does, please let me be the better person and don’t make me lose anything worth crying for, amen.

Random Happiness...

I feel loved :)

I am grateful…

I know things are worse than I could have possibly imagined, and honestly I think it will get even worse in the upcoming days. No, I am not being pessimistic, I can see the facts and I won’t indulge myself in denial.

However, I am certain it will end. I remember my car accident and my injury, and I remember how it helped to believe I was gonna get better, and I did eventually. I am grateful it is not a health matter and I am grateful it does not include losing a loved one. And that makes me know that when it is over, everything will be ok again.

For the time being, I would like to count my blessing to remind myself of all the good things I have…


I am grateful for having two amazing and healthy kids, each with a smile good enough to brighten my day…

I am grateful for having two amazingly supportive sisters who are there to show concern and listen when I need to talk…

I am grateful for having a loving family; despite how they may act thinking they know what’s best for me and my kids…

I am grateful for having the best friends one could ever hope for… I always thought I had a selected few, but as it turns out I have a lot more and I know how rare that is!

I am grateful that my health is stable…

I am grateful that through all that madness I could keep my sanity…

I am grateful I have the means to lead a good life without him or his help…

I am grateful that when my anger and my hurt subside, I am still able to smile and enjoy the good times I share with friends and family…

I am grateful that my prayers give me the peace of mind I need when it gets too much to handle…

I am grateful for everything that helps me get through the day even when I know it could still get worse…

I am grateful for knowing that when all is over, I will still have all the things I am grateful I have…


And that, gives me the strength I need to be patient…

I feel much better...

I stumbled on that while I was copying and pasting some files to clean up my desktop!!


To you..

Oh how I loved you..

Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..

You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..

I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..

I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..

For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..

People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..

I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..

I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..

I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?

You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..

Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..

It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..

I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..

I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..

I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..

I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.

written on April 7th, 2007


I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!

No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.

I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.

As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).

Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.