February 19, 2009

Where metaphors go to die!

My best friend sent me an email with the following content earlier this week. Umslopagas's last post inspired me to share!


Funny metaphors used in high school essays

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in anothercity and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

That beats 25 random things about me, no??

Have a great weekend you guys!


Umslopagas said...

That's the funniest thing that I read since a friend of mine got stuck in the hotel's revolving door.

Anyway, I intended to tag you and a couple of others for the 25 random things, but thought nobody deserves to go through the agony, well, except one blogger that is.

Ma 3lina said...

Lool that was really funny!!

is it the fun day or something u and slope posting funny stuff..

I love the E. Coli thing ... el ta3leem bitdkhel fel 7agat di kman lool

insomniac said...


when you stuck in a revolving door, u mean the door got stuck while ur friend was in there, wala your friend just kept revolving... how much i will laugh about that depends on your answer :)

believe it or not i almost wrote the tag, i just think it has too much info :)

ma 3alina,

i knew u'd like the one with the e.coli the most!

and yeah, i've been meaning to post those but i kept forgetting, reading slope's last most reminded me :)

Ice Queer said...

LMAO! I loved 5,6,8,15,17(khadamati awi de lol) and 23!

insomniac said...

personally, my favorites are: 9, 12, 14, 16, 22 and 25 :)

Umslopagas said...

He got stuck as what happens when you try to squeeze something exceptionally large into a confined space (Kan lazem yetdehen zebda el awwel)

jessyz said...

Heheheh funny.

insomniac said...

LOL... that was mean!

The.I.inside said...

I actually had to stop reading it the first time, cause I was starting to giggle out loud, didn't want people at work to think am crazy.
this was hilarious