February 7, 2009

Unresolved emotional issues

When I was little, I remember barely crying in front of people. I don’t remember or understand why, I just know that whenever I wanted to cry I’d hide from people. Of course, it was always obvious that I cried; I am that transparent, people always knew I was crying, but I always took consolation that they didn’t see me cry.

I was once surprised when one of my school buddies joked saying that I cry so easily; he’d never seen me cry! He said I turn too red, my eyes shine too much he can clearly see the tears, and then I disappear, he said it happened a lot especially when I was angry.

In college, I was only seen crying twice, once after a burst at class, I stormed in the washroom and broke something and started crying. The second time was the day after my late nana died and I went to college for a presentation, right before I started it, I had an argument with a professor and I just couldn’t contain the grief and the anger.

I cried on my wedding day; seeing my dad choking on words and fighting his own tears, seeing my in-laws and how annoying they seemed to be talking about things that do not compare to what my daddy was going through made me want to cry. When D walked towards me to give me a congratulations hug, I told her to hold on to me until I could hold back the tears because I was so determined not to cry, God bless her.

My x was the person who had seen me cry the most; I lived with him for five years. Sometimes for him, sometimes because of him, sometimes he was there and well, I trusted him with my tears even when he caused them. He would have anyone believe that I do nothing but cry, that I have constant emotional outbursts, and he might be right! I just don’t have someone to serve much as a second opinion because no one lived with me that long and the few who had seen me cry are too graceful to complain about it.

Today, I cried. It wasn’t anything special, but it made me think of all the above, it made me reflect on so many things, and the more I realized about myself, the harder I found myself sobbing…

The people I don’t care for, they can NEVER make me cry. There is a thick wall between them and me; however, the only way they can get through is when they make me angry. Anger makes me want to harm them, a punch in the face would do, but neither am I the violent type (even with that temper), nor am I capable of inflicting harm, which makes me feel extremely helpless when dealing with that anger; hence, I cry.

The people I care for, they make me cry so easily and they see me cry so often! This is why I’ve been avoiding most of my friends lately whenever I am feeling blue; I don’t want to burden them, I don’t want to bore them with my emotional crap. I have troubles saying the things I feel to people’s faces, I’ve been working on my emotional expression and I can fairly say I am progressing, with my own terms that is. However, when I am crying, my emotional blabber comes with sobs and incoherent phrases, and I can never risk letting that much out when I have least control over it.

That being said, it confuses me that I cried today because of someone I no longer care for. It is not even the first time; I see it coming every time, and it gets to me every single time! You would think that this happening too often would make me less vulnerable, would make me more able to handle it now that I can predict it, think again! The whole anger and helpless theory does not serve given how often and how predictable the provocation is.

And before you jump to conclusions, it’s not the x. It’s someone whom I don’t have the power to cut off my life yet gets (and has gotten) to influence it big time. I would like to think I have tried working my issues with that person before I declare that I have miserably failed. I would like to say that underneath my anger, I might still care, but I have come to peace with myself accepting that I don’t care.

Ok, I am not sure where I stand emotionally from that person; it’s too confusing. I have strong resentful feelings for that person; everything about them gets on my nerves making me feel like I would wanna beat myself dead before having to spend more time with them! I have come to the realization that the saner choice is to not care, that obsessing over the issue and trying to resolve it will only keep getting to me that perhaps one day I might wake up to find myself another version of that person. I am so scared of one day becoming like that person, one of my biggest horrors.

I just want to know how to block that person out, how to stop them from getting to me that way from ruining every moment of peace I get. I am tired of feeling that way and I am tired of reacting the same way over and over again! I wish I could say more about this but I have just dealt with the whole marriage ending issues, I can’t deal with that now.

So, advice anyone?


Anonymous said...

You said you can't cut this person off ...... so unfortunately you have to accept him :((( .

Try to resolve the issues u have with him , talk about it in his face and explain exactly how his attitude bothers you and hopefully you can work it out , or at least make him stop annoying you.

I know this advice is easier said than done..but you don't have other options, and believe me I know that very well cause i'm in the same situation and that's all i could come up with....sometimes I feel i'm over it and act normal but suddenly i burst in anger , and the loop goes on , but all i know it's due to the other person not knowing about it and acting as if nothing is wrong and accordingly me misunderstand every single action and take the bad intention while it's only in my mind, so keyword is confrontation

Best wishes dear Inso


Umslopagas said...

Just learn to accept the other party, I have a similar issue like your's (resisting becoming like someone else), I've learned not to do that, but it requires that you only give a deaf ear to that person, give him/her the cold face.

Good luck

Eventuality said...

Well..I think the more you resent them and try to block them out the more they will be able to get to you because this means that you still fear their influence over you and have not stopped caring after all. You just need to accept the situation as it is. We usually allow people to get to us because we give them the power to do so, either by thinking that they could be right or by wanting them to change. Accepting that they will not change and that they are not right and that they will never have an effect on you might make you feel less affected by them. It's an internal dialogue you must have with yourself.

The.I.inside said...

I won't go around guessing who that person might be, because if you wanted to say you would have said it.
but some relationships are meant to be strained. it's just the way the universe go around.
the only person you could control is yourself. and sometimes we can't help but care, no matter how we tell ourselves we don't.
I believe that it's the old issues are the things you need to let go. Try to start the relationship from scratch like you. pretend that whatever happened before is gone.
I am like you by the way , about the crying issue. I would never let anyone see me cry. I never cry in public (at least I do my best not to)

insomniac said...

Dear R :)

yes, i can't cut that person off, even if i was hundred percent sure it was what i want!!! it's something i can't control which could be one of the reasons why i agonize over it....

confrontation... u have no idea how many times i've tried that and how straining it is every single time!! the false hope that i would get through to that person if i let them see the impact they have on my life... i tried explaining why i was obnoxious and that i hate being that way but they leave me no other choice!! i've been apologized to several times just to be abused in the same day all over again.... confrontation doesn't work here!!

thanks for the wishes tho, so kind of you :)

insomniac said...


i accepted that person a while ago... but, do u have any idea how hard it is to accept that someone is bound to hurt you in a certain way over and over again and you have no control over it because it's who they are!! i accepted the person, but my nature cannot seem to accept the situation, i am not the kind of person who endures abuse, i lash out and get defensive, and then perhaps offensive and i overreact and it's like i get out of my body and watch how i start screaming and yelling and crying and i can't help it!!

i tried the cold face, and the smile, but it's hard when someone knows where it hurts, where you're sore and relentlessly hits it hoping for a reaction that you can't help but show!!!

i know i seem like a drama queen that way, and trust me, i kinda hate it :)

insomniac said...


i think ur right... the constant fear of becoming like that person makes me too tense, and they can sense it and feed on it either out of being offended or finding an opportunity to get to me...

i can't accept the situation lel asaf, i've done so much reflecting on it and every time i see how that person has too much impact on my life and consequently on my kids' lives, i get frustrated and it aches... vicious circle!

u somehow managed to describe my daily conflict on that topic, and that's exactly what's driving me insane; i accept that that person will not change, that it's too late, i know that they are not right and being in my life that way does not grant them the right to hurt me, but all that does not stop them from constantly hurting me... hence the situation can't change and neither can my feelings about it, at least for the time being which is making me crazy here...

insomniac said...


i would have said who that person was, only if i do, i will have to start dealing with that issue, and it's too much for me to handle for the time being....

ur right, some relationships are meant to be strained, i guess that's the case, but it's too negative for my taste, and i believe it has already influenced me in enough bad ways and i want it to end and i can't seem to find a way that i can live with!!

i don't care... i just feel guilty about it because i know i should but i no longer can.... and because i never respond well to guilt, it's getting too much to me...

like i said, i would love to let go, but i am not given the time or space to, i am constantly harassed in more ways than i can grasp... and lel asaf, that person is used to the same reaction from me it's hard to u know, reset and start a new slate... too much unresolved issues!

i kinda cry in public sometimes :$ u see, sometimes there is no place to hide from those you know except with those you don't!! so you get in the car, put on your shades and hope no one sees the tears before you wipe them, but sometimes ppl see them and urgh it sucks :)