August 29, 2009

The One…


do you believe in the one?” my friend asked.

there was a time I must have, but now, I tell myself I should know better… it would be such a shame to be a 28 year old divorcee and still believe in a fairytale notion!” I said

I noticed how that matter keeps being brought up, and if not, it’s something that would bring me to think of it!

I don’t remember when I believed there was a one for me, but I suppose I must have thought it was my x!

I try to look back and remember what made me think we were a match made in heaven, and I fail, miserably! We didn’t have the same taste in anything; we liked different music, we preferred different colors and patterns, we liked different furniture styles, we liked to hang with different kinds of people, and we had different dreams! Yet, we used to think each of us was the other’s missing half!!

Ok, hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I am a bit wised up, or so I hope, although I keep stumbling on strong evidence that I am not, I will delude myself long enough to finish this thought.

I think the concept of “the one” is just too… cruel.

Yes, cruel is the word, not dreamy and not ideal, plain cruel.

To be with someone and think they’re the one means you’re practically running towards a cliff blinded by strong emotions that are bound to fade and fail you, and let you fall from that cliff with no one to catch your fall.

No, not cynical, not at all… just plain realistic!

I see myself, I see people around me who had mistakenly thought they found the one, and I see how disillusioned they are.

I see other people who thought they stumbled on the one when they were already in complicated committed relationships and kept torturing themselves over missing that one and I feel bad for them because they might as well have been with that person to yearn for another and wonder!

It’s a cruel cruel joke from whoever came up with that concept; what did he/she know or think to say such thing? Didn’t they know that emotions never exactly last, not with the same intensity that blinds us from the flaws and mistakes and eliminates the boredom from constant monotony? Why did he/she link love to the one? We can fall in and out of love but to think that by doing so we’re getting closer or further away from the one where our eternal happiness is supposed to lie, it’s just painfully cruel.

I think the notion originated from one of those darn twisted Greek myths were their gods were petty and played with people’s fates according to their whims.

I think we indulged in that notion because we tend to treasure the things that bring us pain because we were told somewhere along the line that without misery we don’t recognize joy, only we forget to recognize joy because we dwell too much on misery.

Months ago, my friend concluded, “if there’s a one for me out there, I would like to meet her, even if we’re not meant to be together, I would just like to know her

I replied jokingly, “I think if I see my one –if he ever exists- I’ll punch him in the face and ask him what took him so damn long”. Then I decided to be a bit more serious, “actually, if there’s a one for me out there and we’re not meant to be together, I’d rather he stays where he is; the last thing I need is more heartbreak

So to sum this up, I don’t advise people to live searching or even waiting for the one; if the one is the person we love, news flash, love is not what we think it is, not even close! Love is too fickle to be about just one person, and life is too long and ever changing to be just about one person.

I just don’t have an alternative notion, not yet.

21 comments:

ibhog said...

It's more of 'with the one' rather than 'about the one' when we contrast life with love.

I believe the idea of 'marriage' or 'coupling' genuinely states each one of us has a 'one', joy and misery being irrelevant in that sense.

Unfortunately, how to 'live with the one' is the deal breaker, you can love them like you never loved anyone in your life, but sadly, you find living with them, absolutely miserable. This is one of the ironies of 'love' if you ask me.

People - when they seek the one are delusional, because in fact they seek 'love' generally. They just crave some limited romantic feelings they see in movies, they think that's the ultimate happiness.

To their surprise, not only the thing was counterproductive, because approaching happiness as a mellow emotional concept will bring misery inevitably, but also they always think they were right.

They think because they felt 'love', then they knew 'how to live', and that's .. umm .. just sad really.

People need someone to tell them that - as you said - hanging on to emotions is actually as running towards a cliff, your simile strikes accuracy because they don't see a cliff, they see a castle.

I think the one is always there waiting, but it's on our account either to 'live with them' or not. We will love them of course, but the question is, will we live with them?

And that's really on us. We need to change for sharing a life, people don't do that.

They just .. don't.

They venture into marriage as if it's a job or a project, along with resumes pinpointing financial abilities and the house and the car - insane ya3ny!

Anyways, I've been following your feed, not to mention hearing about your infamous posts from a fellow blogger.

Glad to have placed my first comment -more of a loud thinking session actually- :)

I do believe in the one, what I want to believe in is:

can we always live with them?

Askandarani said...

Was wandering where r u hiding, ramadan kareem.

anawafkary said...

I never thought of the concept of the "one" in my entire life.

I just think there are persons who tune together and others who don't.

Instead of right person, there might be right pile, and we simply need to pick one from it :))

Eventuality said...

I think it's our understanding of this concept which is wrong, mainly because it's based on fairy tales and movies, not real life. Although I have struggled to find happily married couples recently, the old ones I have seen prove the concept of "the one" to me. To me being in love isn't about the passion, the gifts, the wonderful rush of feelings at the beginning. It's being able to tolerate, understand and be compassionate towards the other person after seing the worst of their sides, after going through hell with them, and still wanting to be with them. It's that sense of partnership you see with old couples, they way they understand each other inside out and complete each other's sentences.

I think we allow ourselves to have false notions and then blame reality for being different.

We ramadan kareem ya inso we rabbena yeb3atlena the one :)

insomniac said...

whoa guys, seems i hit a sore nerve!!!

i must have clarified that i too do think that our perception of the notion is screwed up, like almost everything else...

anyway...

ibhog,

love is such a confusing notion for me, i can be really starry eyed about it or extremely cynical, it depends on my mood and my level of disillusion at the time, so we'll leave that to when i am in a better mood so that i wouldn't be biased :)

i don't believe living with anyone is easy, be it the one or anyone!! and i believe it takes a lot more than love to do that, even with my best tolerance of love, it's not enough... i think if the one exits, one must feel a whole lot of stuff in addition to love in order to be with them and be happy!

and honestly, i've seen my small and limited share of potential "ones" but i never pondered enough to examine if i had feelings for them, i'd prefer friendship over love at any given time and i would hate to lose a friend for what could be more...

it could be because i believe that we see the best of a person when we're friends with them, but we see the worst when we're in love, with time and the eventual disappointments... perhaps the one is a good friend and perfect lover, and it makes them almost impossible to exist for me!

i almost changed completely when i thought i was with the one, but looking back, my change was a horrid mutilation of who i was and it never gave me satisfaction, but i managed to convince myself that i was happy that way... sometimes i think i'm grateful my x cheated on me because it gave me the chance i needed to see things for what they really are and to realize that i was living on a verge of cliff all along thinking i was in my own castle!! if anything, i fear that my ability to change so easily is what deludes me the most from being with my one if he exists!!

like i said, if he's out there and something in our fates will keep us from being together, he better stay as far away from me as possible... years ago i would have said the exact opposite, and may be hours from now i might change my mind (gemini), but right now, that's what i think!!

glad to have you in my blog, been lurking around yours :) you're always welcomed to think out loud right here :)

insomniac said...

Askandarani,

Allaho Akram, ramadan kareim 3aleik :)


anawafkary,

there might be a pile of ones like you said, but even among those, there might be the one... and the picking is a luxury, finding that pile is a luxury to begin with :)

coming to think of it, what if among that pile, you're not the one for your one... it is very confusing and it feels like el karasy el moseeqeya to an extent...

i can't help but think of the cruelty of tying your hopes and dreams and entire existence to a twist of fate that could bind you to the wrong person!! it hurts my head!!

insomniac said...

eve,

reading your comment and mine above, i couldn't help but notice how conflicted i still am about the notion!!

you're probably right about the old couples part, like you are right about tolerance, understanding and compassion...

perhaps that we made the wrong choices because we followed the wrong givens, i liked the rush, but it got me to my own cliff!!

now, when i think of myself with my one, i see nothing about him or me for that matter, i just envision my face with a relaxing smile on it, one that i don't remember having! and i sense some sort of mysterious soothing feeling, like i am safe, content and just calm... things i never exactly felt all at once and never thought i needed!!!

i might be growing older, i know for sure i am not that 19 year old who chased passion, but even almost 10 years later, and even after my big lesson, i still acknowledge passion but i hope it wouldn't mislead me again...

we besara7a, i don't think i will meet my one with open arms, i keep thinking bel tasa 3ala demagho for some reason, it could be my defense mechanisms talking, bas he surely deserves a tasa for not being there for me since the day i was born!! i can't afford to wait for him anymore, so i will be angry at him, it sort of seems healthy right now (3ady, i will change my mind when i am feeling better)

missed you (i know it sounds strange, but i had it on my mind when i saw your alias!!)

Will E. said...

I disagree, hindsight is not 20/20

insomniac said...

tab etfaddal elaborate... to diagree you need to say a lot more :P

Will E. said...

Okay, since you insist. Hindsight is not 20/20 because while you know that you hadn't seen things clearly back then, you're not entirely sure you can see them clearly now.

That's to say, knowing that you didn't see things correctly doesn't mean you see things correctly now. You may have mis-analyzed even now. The question is when does it really become hindsight? After how much time? maybe the picture isn't fully clear today.

That's what I meant when I said I disagree.

insomniac said...

:)

and this is exactly why i value your opinion :)

and also, this is exactly why i never really stop wondering!

helperF1 said...

Ramadan Kareem. Nice blog, just discovered it now, was hoping to read it right from the start but the earliest entry there said earlier posts have been deleted :(, may I ask why?

it's true, that topic is actually very deep. But I got the feeling that you mean that the one is almost always the wrong one :).

IMHO we humans are so flexible and adaptive that we can fit with a lot of others more than we can think.

So yes, maybe you might meet someone and feel he's the one, but you must know , he's not the only one!

insomniac said...

hello helper :)

welcome to my oblivia, and thanks for going all the way to the start! i checked my first blog entry on this blog and it is there alright (AUG07)... if you mean that i said i deleted previous entries, well, actually i had already deleted the entire blog because i worried at some point that it would be found by my x and used against me in a sort since i was still trying to get my divorce.

as for the one, i meant to say that unless i am proven wrong and live happily ever after with my one, the one changes on daily basis just as fast as my mood (and that's really bad!!)... which makes stumbling on the wrong one more likely!

and you just stated the full half of the cup version of what i said :)

not the only one huh, finding just one is too hard dear, let alone finding more "ones" :)

good day and don't be a stranger :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

"boredom from constant monotony"
I was just thinking about that. I really don't know how people survive a life sentence of marriage.

As for the one, after meeting almost a dozen of my ones. I believe that any give XX & XY could fit together if they were open to give things a try. But probably not every XX & XY last. And the reason they don't last has no relation to how much they clicked when they 1st met. It is related to how they perceive their life sentence and how they deal with it.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Ah, and I think it is pure stupidity to keep waiting for the one or to keep weeping for a lost one.
There are plenty of them bas el nefs :)))

insomniac said...

shimz,

part of what makes the one the one is that they would last after all the rush and the fireflies have vanished; their burning emotions would burn out at the same phase and be replaced by the truer meaning of love eventuality spoke of that comes with acceptance, tolerance and compassion....

it could be why we mistake a lot of "ones" for the one, because they work, initially...

at this point, i am not sure if i am pro or anti the one , lakhbattooony.... but i know for sure that it's a waste of a whole lot to live in anticipation of a dream that never came true for anyone i know!

da 7atta mesh kowayes 3ashan el nefs, heya etsaddet men showaya!!

Ice Queer said...

The one, living happily ever after, the fairytale, the happy endings, the rich client who marries the waitress..and many other things that people came up with to have something that would make them sleep at night with a hope that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow they will be happier, tomorrow the one will find them..etc!

Sometimes that we go into a phase every now and then where you are ready to open up your heart, let go your mind and love someone so you fall in love with the first person you bump into! =) 7aga keda zai mosem el tazawog lol

insomniac said...

IQ,

you quoted that movie before :P

and i agree with you on that last part, sometimes we mistake the wrong one for the one just because we're to weary and exhausted from our lonely lives and we yearn for the notion, fa benekhbat fe awel 7ad benshoofo!!!

i think that's how i got hitched!

Shimaa Gamal said...

I think it is unfair to think that the relation with "the one" will work by itself.
A relation with the one will fail if both partied failed to figure out a way to make it work. Actually a relation will fail if only one party decide not to work on it. Because eventually the working party will feel so used and break the chains.

There is no such a thing as one "ONE" because even if a person is happily coupled with whom he thinks is the one he will always come across someone who would seem more appealing. The grass on the other side is always greener. The neighbor's wife is always hotter! 7ata lw kanet Zinat Sed2y with the chicken hat :)

Ice Queer said...

Inso, Don't gemini me! =P

insomniac said...

Shimz,

rameety el korsy fel kolob?!

well, i never said the one means no work necessary in the relationship; perhaps it means that neither one would ever tire from making it work... if i ever find out i will do tell you...

right now, moshkelet 7ayaty eny anzel aftar bara with a friend without taking my boys :)


IQ,

but i am a gemini *innocent face*

you didn't know that??? =)