Disclaimer: I refer in this post to the movie Alf Mabrouk, so if you haven’t seen it, wait until you do before you read this post; I hate to be a movie spoiler.
We were in the car driving by one of the billboards of the movie…
Him: Did you see the movie?
Him: Nice, you know, it’s adapted from the Sisyphus of the Greek mythology, you know him?
Me: *almost offended by his arrogance* yes, the man who kept cheating death until he was sentenced to his eternal punishment!
Him: no one can really escape their fate, if he had just accepted that he would die, he would have spared himself all the unnecessary effort
*I tried to refrain from commenting and kept telling myself that I should not dignify a conversation with someone who doesn’t have that much appreciation to philosophy*
*A while later, I decided I couldn’t just hold back; I've been having too many thoughts in my mind related to that lately!*
*I decided that was the end of the conversation*
Me: so you think the main character in the movie should have just accepted death? Or were you talking about Sisyphus?
Him: isn’t it the same?
Me: not really, Sisyphus represents a different culture and context from the movie, the movie might be adapted from the myth but there is more to it than just that, at least that’s what I think
Him: didn’t he die anyway?
Me: no, he chose to die at the end of the movie, it took him several do-over’s of the same day to understand the context of all of his misunderstandings, it took him several times to pay attention to the details until he was finally able to shift them away from him… and then, knowing all the details and understanding them, he decided that the best scenario he could accept was the one that ends with his death rather than his loved ones’… he was NOT beaten by fate, he chose to acknowledge and accept it...
And behind that lies the whole idea of the movie, or at least what I think... that there are details that we miss on daily basis either that are either shaped by who we are or have a role in shaping us... and if we manage to take a closer look to see more than one angle, perhaps we’d settle for the fates we first resented… however, when we keep fighting our fates without understanding them, without
realizing the parts of our own doing, we keep going round in that futile circle and repeat the mistakes one after the other…
Him: but it’s all pre-written, isn’t that what fate means? What’s the point of trying to change what’s already been sealed for us?
Me: Are you talking about Sisyphus vs. our own beliefs? There is a difference; the myth does not acknowledge the existence of a fair God, while I personally do! I believe our fates are sealed based on our choices; there wouldn’t be heaven or hell if there was no such thing as free will… we make our choices and the pieces fall in the place where they are meant to be based on OUR choices!
Him: so do you think our fate is to be where we are right now?
Me: what do you mean?
Him: we’re no longer together, is this our fate or is there something we can do to change it?
Me: *giving him a dirty look* if we want to be together we can make the choices that would take us to that fate, but we don’t want the same thing, I don’t want to be with you and I never will... I made the wrong choices before and I am still rolling my own stone up that hill to repent wasting a better chance somewhere along my life!
Don’t you get it, I ruined my own fate when I chose you and I am still trying to fix it!
Although I have no regrets or second thoughts about leaving him, I can’t stop thinking about what my fate could have been if I had not taken my first step towards him. I still wonder if I will repeat any of my previous mistakes either because I never acknowledged them or I am simply too weak or naïve to hold on to the path that would lead me to a better fate.
I know life is not futile by nature, I know we choose to make it so when we insist on our behaviors and attitudes without leaving room for the flexibility that could come from looking a little bit beneath the surface and understanding that there are details to which we need to pay attention.
I judge every word I say, every little thing I do, and I keep asking myself… am I rationalizing right from wrong? Am I being to arrogant to admit my own faults and that’s why I can’t find my peace? Am I still reacting to pain and thus unable to break free from that vicious circle?
I know I don’t have ill intentions, but I also know that I didn’t deserve better than what I got and I don’t want to be that person again…