August 10, 2009

On Fate and Futility…


Disclaimer: I refer in this post to the movie Alf Mabrouk, so if you haven’t seen it, wait until you do before you read this post; I hate to be a movie spoiler.

We were in the car driving by one of the billboards of the movie…

Him: Did you see the movie?

Me: Yes.

Him: Nice, you know, it’s adapted from the Sisyphus of the Greek mythology, you know him?

Me: *almost offended by his arrogance* yes, the man who kept cheating death until he was sentenced to his eternal punishment!

Him: no one can really escape their fate, if he had just accepted that he would die, he would have spared himself all the unnecessary effort


*I tried to refrain from commenting and kept telling myself that I should not dignify a conversation with someone who doesn’t have that much appreciation to philosophy*


*A while later, I decided I couldn’t just hold back; I've been having too many thoughts in my mind related to that lately!*


Me: so you think the main character in the movie should have just accepted death? Or were you talking about Sisyphus?

Him: isn’t it the same?

Me: not really, Sisyphus represents a different culture and context from the movie, the movie might be adapted from the myth but there is more to it than just that, at least that’s what I think

Him: didn’t he die anyway?

Me: no, he chose to die at the end of the movie, it took him several do-over’s of the same day to understand the context of all of his misunderstandings, it took him several times to pay attention to the details until he was finally able to shift them away from him… and then, knowing all the details and understanding them, he decided that the best scenario he could accept was the one that ends with his death rather than his loved ones’… he was NOT beaten by fate, he chose to acknowledge and accept it...
And behind that lies the whole idea of the movie, or at least what I think... that there are details that we miss on daily basis either that are either shaped by who we are or have a role in shaping us... and if we manage to take a closer look to see more than one angle, perhaps we’d settle for the fates we first resented… however, when we keep fighting our fates without understanding them, without
realizing the parts of our own doing, we keep going round in that futile circle and repeat the mistakes one after the other…

Him: but it’s all pre-written, isn’t that what fate means? What’s the point of trying to change what’s already been sealed for us?

Me: Are you talking about Sisyphus vs. our own beliefs? There is a difference; the myth does not acknowledge the existence of a fair God, while I personally do! I believe our fates are sealed based on our choices; there wouldn’t be heaven or hell if there was no such thing as free will… we make our choices and the pieces fall in the place where they are meant to be based on OUR choices!

Him: so do you think our fate is to be where we are right now?

Me: what do you mean?

Him: we’re no longer together, is this our fate or is there something we can do to change it?

Me: *giving him a dirty look* if we want to be together we can make the choices that would take us to that fate, but we don’t want the same thing, I don’t want to be with you and I never will... I made the wrong choices before and I am still rolling my own stone up that hill to repent wasting a better chance somewhere along my life!
Don’t you get it, I ruined my own fate when I chose you and I am still trying to fix it!

Him: thanks

*I decided that was the end of the conversation*


Although I have no regrets or second thoughts about leaving him, I can’t stop thinking about what my fate could have been if I had not taken my first step towards him. I still wonder if I will repeat any of my previous mistakes either because I never acknowledged them or I am simply too weak or naïve to hold on to the path that would lead me to a better fate.

I know life is not futile by nature, I know we choose to make it so when we insist on our behaviors and attitudes without leaving room for the flexibility that could come from looking a little bit beneath the surface and understanding that there are details to which we need to pay attention.

I judge every word I say, every little thing I do, and I keep asking myself… am I rationalizing right from wrong? Am I being to arrogant to admit my own faults and that’s why I can’t find my peace? Am I still reacting to pain and thus unable to break free from that vicious circle?

I know I don’t have ill intentions, but I also know that I didn’t deserve better than what I got and I don’t want to be that person again…


8 comments:

Rasha* said...

(I can actually hear his voice replying and he has one irritating voice)
that being said:
That last paragraph of yours reaaaally touched me.
finding peace is a life long task...it will come to us easily as we experience living happily at our own terms while enjoying the blessings of Allah (the part played by fate), and it will escape us at other times when we do the wrong choices and react poorly to that very fate!!
Everything must change...nothing stays the same...not the pain...not any result of any choice...and that is called living.
In the movie, he kept trying to change the ending and the steps kept changing too and so did the consequences that led him to see the whole picture...yet fate didn't change.
But, he lived to see clear...he lived to think right...he lived to know that he could CHOOSE...and he found peace, maybe, in giving in to fate.
And so do we but maybe we don't realize it...when we do realize it we will let our eyes open up to the clear pictures, where dust of yesterday will fall off and clarity of what we are would glow to lead us to peace.
too much blabber, i just loved this post.
HUGS*

insomniac said...

(lol)

you know i should have dedicated that post to you; you were there with me at the movies and your last post made me write it!

i wish i could just see things that clearly before taking any step, i am tired of trying to think ahead and wasting my energy trying to figure out the lies from the truths!

Anonymous said...

kol sana wnty tayba ya inso :) ramdan mubarak 3liky w 3la kol 3ailtik

R

insomniac said...

Thank you R,

Kol sana wenty tayeba ya habibty, so very sweet of you :)

ramadan kareem 3aleiki :)

Mohaly said...

Insomniac: This reminds me of a question I raised in my blog couple of days ago (post 594) and people couldn't reach an agreement about; is it harder to say something and regret it, or not saying it and regret it?!
Ramadan Kareem

insomniac said...

Mohaly,

i guess i should come check that post and give my 2 cents :)

Ramadan Kareem 3aleik :)

Nephthys said...

I dont know how you and your sister find the power to make such conversations and arguments? I feel tired even thinking about it :)

insomniac said...

hahahaha

Nana,

it's an air thing, you're water, you wouldn't understand, you'd need to evaporate ;P