October 28, 2008

The urge to curse…


Every time, every single time I find myself in peace with all the things I dislike about my current status, something happens –as tiny as could be- that troubles my peace!

Today I was cleaning up my yahoo account since it has more junk than actual emails, when I stumbled on three emails from the notorious jerk I am still married to on paper. Two of which are of job offers her thinks I might be interested in! seriously! Reading one of those descriptions I had a strong urge to reply with one crude and extremely inappropriate email. This person has such an amazing ability to awaken all the anger of which I thought I have let go!

The last email was a real piece of work though! It was with the subject “Happy Birthday to ME” and dated a day after his birthday. I overlooked a single detail, our wedding date was one day before his birthday, and it was a stupid sentimental thing I once thought of when we were in love, now it just disgusts me at the entire month! Anyway, el zareef el khafeef was wishing me a “saba7eya mubarka” and whining over the fact that “his kids” and I did not wake him up on his birthday with a call!! I can’t even seem to find the proper words to describe him anymore!!!!

And of course, just like the typical pseudo-good-doer he is, he had to end his email with a precious piece of advice: “please attend to amending Beem’s name in the birth certificate before he joins school to avoid further complications when military service if of an issue”. It’s a silly thing, and all the lawyers we have both consulted, in addition to those who work in the relevant official offices mocked him for his ridiculous paranoid thoughts. Thing is, my name is missing a “Mohamed” right before my family name in its written form in my son’s birth certificate, basically because the same “Mohamed” was missing in our marriage certificate; however, it’s present in my new ID. Big freakin’ deal!!!

I couldn’t help but get angry over his condescending tone, over his pretense –or perhaps belief- that injustice has been bestowed on him, over his silly joke, over his hidden –or not so hidden- implications that it’s ok for him to not be a part of his children’s life! The last one irritates me the most because I know I am totally ok with it, only I think they, my kids deserve much better than being discarded, even if by a piece of crap like him. Oh God, I’d wish they’d hate him, but I know how consuming hate can be… I just wish they’d grow up to be indifferent of him, and I hope it would bring him more pain than he could possibly overcome.

I find it ugly and hateful of me to wish him such misfortunes, but he left no kindness in my heart as far as he’s concerned. I do not wish him well, and I hate that I don’t have it in me to do so, but I am accepting it because I think it’s the only way to be ok with here and now.

12 comments:

Shimaa Gamal said...

"saba7eya Mubarka" ... walahy ya benty nefsy a2ool kalam bas 3ieb ...

allahoma tawelek ya roo7

rabena yesabarek we yeg3aloh fi mezan 7asanatek

gjoe said...

quoting shaimaa:
Rabena yesabarek we yeg3aloh fi mezan 7asanatek

The.I.inside said...

More and more from your posts you easily show, how love can sometimes be so blind, the nicest thing anyone can call him is a JERK, and that would be giving him too much credit.
Your hope ,that you're kids hate their father or disregard him, is very understandable , but unfortunately ALL kids think about their own self esteem through their parents eyes, so having negative feelings toward their father is gonna affect them more than him.
on the other hand you can always wish that he never FEELS their respect for him, that what hurt more than anything even love,.
I know it's easier for me to give such high morals and lectures when haven't been through what you've been through but sometimes we need a neutral point of view.
Finally Sorry for the long comment.
and try not to let a jerk ruin your day too much

Dr.Invisible said...

Leeeki el gana ya benty !!

Anonymous said...

I think you know very well that he only wants to pick on you...so don't give him the chance to laugh at you.
Try to laugh at him instead :)

R

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

ايه يا بنتي ده
هو انا بس عايز افهم نظريته ايه في انه يستهبل بالمنظر ده
يعني فكرة ان في وسط كل اللي بينكم ده وبعدين جاي يقولك مش تعيدوا عليا في عيد ميلادي
المنطق الوحيد للموقف ده انه يكون فعلا بيستفزك علشان تردي بعصبيه او تتصرفي اي تصرف يستغله ضدك بعد كده
عموما يعني ربنا يصبرك
وبلاش كل ما يبعتلك كلمتين تفتكري كل الحكايه من اولها وتقعدي تحرقي دمك
كبري دماغك شويه حاولي تنسي خالص وجوده اعتبريه قصه قرأتيها ومعجبتكيش
خدي بالك من نفسك
وبعدين شغل ايه اللي بيجيبه مش انتي بتشتغلي اصلا
ولا هو من باب انا بخدم بس وضميري ابيض
ما علينا
سلامي للأولاد

سلاااااااااااااااااام
اخوكي ايهاب

Evaluna said...

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolllllll
i'm sorry... but..
looooooooooooll
wow!!! he is unbelievable!!

well you know what I think... he's majorly screwed up in the head more than anything else... i mean yes he's everything bad that you can think of.. every swear word you'd want to call him... but most of all he's one deranged psycho! he REEEALLY is! I mean... .. he just really is crazy! like mental-institute-should-be-medicated kind of crazy! or at leaaast that's what i'd like to believe.. it makes things easier to grasp that way, makes more sense to me!

insomniac said...

shimz :)

ghaleban nafs el kalam ely geh fe baly!!

ameen!


Oja,

ameen kaman marra :))


i,

don't feel inclined to apologize for anything :) i appreciate long comments, and i am aware that i should maintain a decent image of him for my kids... i am just incapable of doing so currently, so i completely ignore his existence, especially that my older son had almost forgotten him while my baby boy has no clue what "baba" means except that it's an easier word he says referring to "geddo" (my dad).... it's like a small reminder for me that he's an idiot for missing out on something so adorable!

thanks for stopping by :))

insomniac said...

dr. invisible,

ya rab ya setty, law el ganna madmouna because of that, yeb2a kheir we baraka :)


R,

i know, i know :)

it's hard to laugh, but my automatic reaction was ignoring him... it's amazing however that he can still manage to make me angry!!


shankooty,

tab mahowa fe3lan beyestafezeny, bas ana mesh barrod la2eny mota2akeda en 3adam raddy beyestafezzo aktar, we en mastafazzosh 3al 2a2al mesh beye3raf ana 2ad eh shayta :)

tabee3y en kol ma yeb3atly kelmeteen afteker kam 7aga, da 3ady, we sa3at kaman men gheer ma yeb3at 7aga 3adeya geddan te7sal tefakarny be 7aga tedaye2, i'm fine with that and i learned how to not let it get to me :)

howa mesh gayeb shoghl, howa beyetka3bel fe vacancies yemken temshy ma3aya, men bab eno "dameero abyad" bas toz feeh we felly yeegy men na7yeto beggad, he's an idiot, he does not even consider anything like working hours or distance from where i live, ya3ne beymassel enno beyekhdem we bardu be ghabawa!!

shokran ya ehab for your advice :))

insomniac said...

eva,

enty beted7aky!!!! ed7aky kaman maho i totally see the humor of it when i stop getting angry...

tayeb eh, nebbalagh 3anno yeego yakhdooh in strap jackets we nekhlas!!! you know my lawyer said the same thing when he met him, he was like "da mayetze3elsh menno, da mareed beggad"... bas 7ata law el kalb 3ando so3ar we mesh beyet3aleg beymawetooh, 3al 2a2al ra7matan beeh en makansh ra7matan belly 7awaleeh... oh well!!

btw, i hope u run into him wenty fe mante2toh, i would love to see how you would react... would you please burst with laughter if you do see him, it could drive him craaaaazy :p

Marwa Rakha said...

I do not know how I ended up on your blog ... I was googling stuff about relationships, closure, and unsaid words ... one blog led to the other until I came here .. I am glad I found you ... Curse ... Curse ... Curse some more until you are done cursing ... then breathe and smile and move on until your next urge.

insomniac said...

marwa,

welcome to my blog :)

i can't imagine the search words you've entered to end up here, man, i must have all the things you mentioned on this blog!!!

as for the cursing, it's sad how sometimes it's the only outlet for anger! anyways, moving on and smiling, it's good you've caught me on a good day :)))