I'm Moving!

Since moving is something I hope I'd be able to do in 2010, I thought I'd start it virtually first and see how I'd adjust to something different...

I'm on wordpress now, I never saw it coming, and I am still sort of attached to here, but I gotta try new things...

This blog will always feel like home, and perhaps I'd keep coming back to it...

Blogger, Adieu, you've been good to me!!

Oh, I almost forgot... I'll be there

2009, Adieu!

I think 2009 was a good year despite my major losses, disappointments (at myself), and recent downs!

No no no no, I won’t mope or talk about the bad stuff, I will list the good and show my gratitude because I sincerely feel it.

I got my divorce, and that actually felt like 2009’s gift to me!

I spent amazing days at the pool with the Roosh, and people; I think I know how to swim now!!! *gasp*

I got my best birthday surprise ever at the age of 28, and it was so worth the wait!

I travelled like I’ve been wanting for the past two years, and I was on a mommy break too… not a sister break though (:p)… next time, I’m travelling with friends!

I spent quality time with my jazzy friend :) and I refuse to see it under any shade of ka2aba!

I made a few new friends who seem to believe I can things I’m not even sure I can do!!

And, today isA, I will steal a few hours from all the family obligations at home and meet with Rasha for our end-of-year tradition to seal the year.

May 2010 be a better year!

P.S. Rasha, this post is for you, and you better make it today because I don’t wanna say goodbye alone, hay2oolo “el magnoona aheh”

A Musical Week…

Sunday – I visited an old childhood friend with another childhood friend visiting from Canada. I was mostly silent while driving sinking in my own thoughts and moving my lips along with Fayrouz’s album Wala Kif (Ziyad Rahbany is GENIOUS). When I went home and logged on, I found a friend of mine had sent me this song!

انا مش فارس ولا فتى احلام
انا زحمة وربكة وشغل جنان
نصى بيضحك والتانى زعلان
انا شيخ فلتان
طيب شرير وجرىء وجبان
اوقات مشرق واوقات بهتان
وساعات سلم وساعات تعبان
مفترى جدا وكمان غلبان
شبابيك وبيبان توهه عنوان
انا من الاخر عفريت لابس بدلة انسان

It doesn’t speak for me really, but I liked something about it nonetheless, ok, the lyrics, the voice is not even remotely nice!!

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Monday – once I went to work, I downloaded that song into the music file where I keep the songs that friend sent me, and glancing at those songs, I decided to re-listen to Supergirl! I didn’t remember being impressed by it, but somehow it made sense; after all, I am a supergirl :)

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Tuesday – Roosh sent me four songs composed by Marcel Khalife and sung by Omayma. I already knew two of them; Ana ra7 sammeik and Love you more, they are two of my favorites actually, and I just loved the other two; Bekteblak and Ejta7. It just took me back to the oriental mood. On my way back Safer ghareeb el dar played and my heart lingered on this verse…

يا سكة الأحلام، يا مغلبة روحي
اشكيكي للأيام، ولا اشتكي روحي
علمت قلبي يميل، للحب و المواويل
و حلمت حلم جميل بالجنة و أنا في النار

I shared the song and the lyrics with my music companion whom I know is a sucker for lute music.



Wednesday – I went to a stationary store for an errand, and I found that handmade wooden lute; it reminded me of my friend and Ziyad Sahhab. I bought the wooden lute went back to the office and kept playing his album.

Then I went to Puccini’s La Boheme at Cairo Opera House, on my own. I sat there in the balcony, closest to the stage where I could see the orchestra. It was overwhelming! I was mostly taken by soprano voices especially that no tenor is as good as Bocelli, as good as the lead tenor was!! I barely followed the translation, I was mostly taken by the orchestra. I don’t walk around with a camera, so my mobile shots shall do!

Then Ziyad Sahhab took me home with more of Negm’s lyrics, which baba seemed to have liked as I picked him on my way home.

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Today – My music companion sent me Chaza for Marcel Khalife, just violins, my favorite. WOW. My heartbeats are still racing, and every time I play it, I just have this “fear” that it would end!!!! What can I say, violins do that to me!!

I will drive to el Ein el Sokhna with the girls after work, and although I would willingly play any of the masterpieces I listened to through the week, I’d like suggestions people… you must have figured out the things I liked.

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God bless music, and of course those who make it, and perhaps even those who share it too :)

YUMMY...

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with a mug of black coffee... *dreamy smiley*

Photo Credits

To my Jazzy Friend ;)

Since I just realized that I won’t have enough motivation to wake up that early, not even on working days, I decided to dedicate that song to you; you love Billy, no?

In small cafes (too)…

In quiet streets with old artistic buildings and broken sidewalks…

In every lovely winter’s day, when the sky is clear and the sun is warm…

Until I see you again, I’ll be seeing you :)

A Different Day!

Today, I woke up too early for a Friday morning to meet a friend on the other side of town. Around five hours later, after having morning coffee (with chocolate muffin), talking about everything that came to our minds, and walking round and round in circles in Korba, we said goodbye pretty quickly for two friends who live in different countries and have no idea when they’d meet again…

Then I was supposed to call another friend who bailed on me – it’s ok, I forgive you; I survived the rest of the day on my own without fighting with myself like I usually do!

I kept driving on my own listening to my music and discovering how all the roads lead to one another and making mental notes of the shortest ways to get around – I like doing that!

I kept looking for empty streets…

I needed to stop by the computer mall to get a new flash memory instead the one I lost when I was on vacation, but when I parked and stepped into the mall, I realized I didn’t have the energy to ask for what I want in every store. So I just browsed the windows, didn’t find any, so I just left!!

And it hit me, I was close enough to where my late nana lived…

I drove to the corner of the street and I could see the balcony where I spent endless hours daydreaming of things that never happened. I could hear her voice calling for me to get inside and grab a bite or to check on me. I could almost see all snippets from my childhood passing by. My eyes were filled with tears because I realized I never really appreciated those days as I should have, and I really missed her even more.

An old man saw me in my car with my eyes lingering on the balcony; apparently, he took his time watching me as I took mine reminiscing. My car was stopped due to traffic the entire time and I was counting that people would most likely honk my ears out when the cars started moving, but that man smiled at me and signaled that the cars ahead of me started moving! I smiled back with gratitude, and drove by…

I wish I had keys to the place, yet somehow I think it’s better that I don’t; I guess the only way I could hold on to the warmth and love I had behind those windows was to never get in and see how they turned into emptiness and void. I know her spirit left the place leaving no trace of what has been, so I will just hold on to it in my heart. God, I miss her… Allah yer7amha!

I went home feeling more willing to do my mommy duties than I have been in the past days; I brought lunch, fed the boys, showered them and then invited them to nap next me. I didn’t even feel sleepy, I just felt attracted to the bed in a sense, I lost consciousness for almost four hours – it’s sort of a record!

I am grateful for today… alhamdulilah…

Music IS good for the soul, at least my soul…

I can’t say it took away all the feelings from yesterday and sent them to oblivion; they’re still inside waiting for a bluer day to haunt me, but until then…

This will ease my soul a bit…

I found it when I learned that it’s the original Portugese version of Shu Bkhaf, to which I’ve been nostalgic since yesterday…

Thank God for music, and THANK GOD it still works for me!!!

*smile*

It was an unexpected surprise…

It was dark, and I couldn’t see its color…

I kissed and hugged Rasha for giving me such a surprise that made me cheer that way…

I put it on my dashboard all the way to Alex, and I kept glancing at it while driving…

I kept smiling because of all the memories and thoughts that came to mind just because of such little pretty thing...

I arrived home, I unpacked, I changed, I asked mom for something to put it in, but she ignored me and kept asking who got it instead; it made me sort of angry so I decided not to answer…

Beem kept holding on to me wanting me to hug him to sleep… I fell asleep too and forget about my little beauty...

Today, I ran to where I had left it and I was relieved to see it still in good shape, I emptied a vase where mama kept some of her karakeeb, washed it, et voila…

I am not usually a big fan of orange and yellow, but those pastel shades on this particular tulip look amazing, it’s such a delight to keep looking at it…

Thank you ya Roosh, you made sure there would be something to cheer me up every time my mood goes down, at least until it wilts… (mesh hannaked 3aleiki wa2ollek how it will feel when that happens)

Me is happy for now :)

Wrapped within a jazzy tune!

Looking through the window and seeing all those marshmallow clouds around me, I wrapped my shawl around me as jazz tunes tickled all my senses…

It was the perfect setting; finishing up a cup of coffee as my favorite lindt melted in my mouth after a brief chat with the friendly flight attendant, me alone on that row, and Ella and Louis singing… that was when it hit me…

I finally felt that warm fuzzy feeling I was missing most of my trip…

I felt gratitude for it all, I felt the kind of happy I couldn’t feel earlier when I was burdened by all the things that haunted my soul!

The end of my trip did not feel sad like endings are mostly known to be; mine was satisfying.

It all fell into place as the plane slowly came closer to the ground, and I could see the tiny little details through the cotton-candy clouds, I was reminded of my love for details and I remembered those particular ones that made me smile during my trip…

And all of a sudden, it felt like home!

Oh details, I just love you; you make my life!! In you, my true happy moments belong and I am forever grateful that I can see you, even if at the end!

A dream-induced nostalgia!

Days ago, I had a dream, a strange one…

I was in the art therapy studio, knowing that Dr. M had passed away, I don’t exactly remember if there were other people, but I was very close to the wall that had his self portraits and none of them was there!

I kept touching the bare walls as I fought to hold back my tears… I wanted to cry so badly…

I woke up feeling extremely down and depressed…

The same day I visited an old friend from my previous job at her home… she had a big portrait of our late boss S, the one I loved and respected.

I kept staring at the old photo with her skin revealing that it was taken when she was younger than when I’ve known her… and I forced the words to come to my mouth “Allah yer7amek ya S” then I paused and said “wa7shany awy!”

Today, I was in downtown running a government related errand. While waiting for the driver to pick me up, I decided to walk around; I was in my sneakers and the weather was nice. I kept walking from one random street to the other until I stopped to read the name of the street - “شارع شمبليون”… I stopped, looked across the street to the far extension on its other side and realized that I was a few blocks away from the Art Therapy Center. I stood there for a while as if I was lost, my eyes had tears and my heart felt heavy, then I said “Allah yer7amak ya Dr. M” and got on the sidewalk and continued walking towards Tahrir Square.

Other than that, I had a good day. Alhamdulilah.

I was off to bed, and I suddenly remembered all that and had the strong urge to write about it, so there!

الحمد لله

IBHOG came up with the best idea that inspired my long lost Ramadan spirit. For the rules, go to IBHOG’s…

I am grateful for…

- My boys. I remember being pregnant and depressed, I remember my one wish was healthy and smart kids (I have very low tolerance of stupidity), and every time I look at them, I feel grateful because they are much better than I could have ever wished! Beem is loving and tender, and Mocha is witty and hilarious… and they both take a lot more after me than their dad. BLESSED is what I feel when I think of my boys, and sometimes also BURDENED because I don’t know how to cherish such bliss.

- My friends. I have quite the variety, how different their interests and backgrounds are, and yet they have at least one thing in common, me. They make me feel loved and accepted, and the smallest gesture they do touches me too deep, be it a phone call when I am down to cheer me up or a ride when I am too depressed to tell the directions for myself. More importantly, they make it feel like I have well deserved it; they make me feel like I am as a good friend as they are. APPRECIATED and LOVED is what I feel when I think of my friends.

- My Father. He is my wall, knowing that he is there for me gives me a sense of protection I know no one else can give. SAFE is what I feel whenever I think of my father.

- My Job. At first, I thought it was a career dead-end -which it probably is to anyone else-, but now I appreciate the low level of tension, especially with my drama. As overqualified as I think I am for my job (business grad, marketing concentration, yet working in administration), I still have a decent status there, a good pay and benefits, not to mention that I have the nicest boss in the world who makes up for the colleagues who may push the wrong buttons sometimes. LUCKY is what I feel when I think of my job.

- Me. No, I am not being conceited, but I have a lot of good things going for me and I know it; I am relatively healthy, I’ve been told I am smart and good looking, I come from a respectable family, I received good education, and I have decent financial means that spare me worrying about the future. PRIVILEGED and CONTENT is what I feel when I think of all those things God has granted me.

- The wishes I am granted. Every time I kneeled and prayed for something, God has granted it to me; it made me seal every prayer with asking God not to grant me what’s not good for me because I know I don’t know what’s best for me most of the time. THANKFUL, OVERWHELMED, AWED, and CHALLENGED is what I feel every time a prayer is answered.

Those might have seemed like six blessings, but there's a lot more to each, especially the last two; they're ever growing, not to mention too many to count!

الحمد لله

I invite my fellow bloggers on the blog-roll to take the time and do that tag, and those who like to comment as anons as well.

Arms that once held me…

I remember arms that held me so tight, arms where I found warmth, love and unconditional love, arms that felt ever tender, arms where I wish I could have stayed forever. I miss those arms, I miss how they smelled and how loved I felt in them, every night before I sleep, I pray I’d have those arms around me in my sleep like they held me long ago…

I remember other arms, arms that felt like home, arms that I missed for so long and lingered for with tears only to be wrapped in them for brief minutes before yet another separation, arms that disappointed me like no other. As genuine as it was then, it lost its meaning now for I didn’t know better. I miss those arms, I wish they lasted, but I would never want them back…

And there were arms I thought were mine, arms I thought would never forsake me, arms where I thought I felt safe and loved, arms I mistakenly thought would protect me, arms that squeezed life out of me. The memory of those arms makes me noxious and sick and I find myself gasping for air when they come to mind…

And there are those arms, arms I know are loving and sincere, arms that I know would keep me safe and protect me from all harm, arms I really need, arms where I long to be, hoping I would be able to cry my heart out without losing my pride. I love those arms, yet I am too scared of surrendering in them; I’m afraid they’d get tired of holding me, and I am more afraid of ever losing them that I force myself to do without them. I wish I could melt in those arms… no, I wish those arms would be there forever even if I never let them hold me, but I need to know that they’re always there…

There are also those little arms, arms that barely wrap around me, yet give me a sense of happiness and joy mixed with traces of sorrow and hurt, arms that fill me with hope and yet fear, fear of the unknown. I love those arms…

And then, there are my arms…

Arms that are only capable of holding those I love so close to my heart, hoping it would be enough to ease away their pain… Arms that want to be warm, safe, protective, and loving… Arms that are terrified of being cruel, hard or disappointing… I think of how much love I need to channel with those arms every time I hold my kids, I need them to know the things I can only say with my arms as I hold them…

A reoccurring dream…

A long day at the pool with my boys, followed by post pool exhaustion and an unusual earache!

I walked somewhere, and I saw him; his kind face and his peaceful aura…

“But you’re dead!!” I thought…

He smiled and said nothing…

“How come you’re dead, and yet I keep seeing you alive and well… like you’re always there, like your death was a bad dream!” I kept wondering…

He smiled even more and told me in his calmest tone of voice “I never really left, I will always be here, and you’ll always know where to find me”

I walked towards him to touch his hand, and before I knew it, I felt my Mocha climbing next to me in bed and laying in my arm…

I woke up to see the nanny putting Beem in bed and mumbled something to her before I hugged Mocha.

I closed my eyes again…

Then I opened them wide; I had just realized that it was a dream!

I don’t know if it’s the first time I have it, or if I had already done a couple of times, but it felt so familiar!

I felt peace… They say it's a good sign to dream of dead ones looking so good!

And I said a prayer for him.

Never Been Happier!!

I don’t think I can put in words, but for the sake of all the sadness on this blog, I should at least try! So excuse the incoherence and inadequate choice of words; I’m too happy to actually find the right words to describe any of it!

I knew Rasha was on to something when I saw two of my friends recently added to her list of friends. She hid the FB notification, but she couldn’t hide their becoming mutual friends from me; strangely enough, I stumbled on her profile accidentally!!!

All I wanted was to sit somewhere quiet where Rasha, D and whomever of my friends would join for a get together. I knew it was not that easy given how not all of my friends know one another and I didn’t even ask or say how it would be great. I told a couple of my friends to join so casually so that they wouldn’t feel urged to since it was my birthday and all!

I lost track of my doubts about Rasha planning something; she was really subtle, she was not too hectic or too nervous for me to tell. Actually, she was too calm and quiet and she managed to orchestrate everything and divide the distraction equally among the rest of my friends. I always thought I’d figure you out Rasha because of how nervous you get when you’re on to something!!!

Mayo & Dee called me on my way to go some scarf shopping and made me change my plans. I drove the kids home, met with the girls to do my scarf shopping, and planned to go to the hair dresser’s for some pampering! Dee claimed she needed to shop for a very specific top in order to stall, and Mayo was about to buy a hideous golden belt just to keep me distracted. We went to shops we never shop in and poor Dee actually tried on a set of hideous stuff and made me laugh until I got cramps!!!!!

Not just that, they made me try an outfit and had me buy it because it looked good on me. Mayo urged me to change into that outfit so that I’d be wearing something new on my birthday. I love the outfit and I’d wear it everyday to remind me of the evening I had!

Honestly, the girls did all they could to keep me away from Condetti until everyone was there to surprise me! They even arranged with my sis to buy me some time at home so that I won’t have to be home early. Really appreciated that!

Although I take pride in my ability to connect the dots, I must say everyone did a great job yesterday distracting me that despite all the signs I just stopped suspecting anything!

I still laugh at how I stumbled on Mayo & Dee all parked and getting out of the car to beat me to Condetti and surprise me after I had supposedly left them, yet I didn't pick on it much when Dee said she had forgotten her jacket in my car (which she did)! Or parking right behind Will’s car and thinking “doesn’t will drive a similar car?!” and then shaking it off!! 2al connect the dots 2al, ya fde7ty!

I was carrying my pillowcase of a laptop and walking into Condetti aiming for the non-smoking area when I noticed how the waiters had somehow blocked my way so that I’d head for the smoking area where almost everyone was laughing while waiting for me, (did you guys scream surprise, I honestly can’t remember!!)

I saw my sisters, D, Will, Mayo & Dee and I was shaken and shivering and mumbling stuff, I can’t really remember; all I remember is that I was actually surprised and happy!

Before I noticed, either Mayo or Dee placed the Derby Hat on my head while Will was giving me my birthday gift (thanks for the perfume, you know I love!) The moment I felt the hat on my head I asked about Rasha for I’ve been nagging for God knows how long for one!!(I wore it to work today)

I sat next to my D and my body couldn’t stop shaking from all the happiness and excitement. I never knew I could shake and shiver that way out of happiness; I have only tried it when I was angry! It feels AMAZING when you’re happy!

A while later, Rasha arrived.

I sat there feeling like I couldn’t possibly be happier!

A while later A joined and I just didn’t think he was gonna make it!!

And just as I thought that was it and was about to get comfy and adjusted to the amazing surprises, Ahmed joined!!! Now Rasha, that was beyond any expectations and I was SHOCKED, in a very good way.

I couldn’t believe how sweet and friendly Ahmed was… such a nice guy!

I kept getting hot and cold episodes which made me shiver; you see, I don’t think I am used to that much happiness!! Remembering it, I can still shiver!! A kept saying I was crazy complaining about how hot then shivering!

I ended up sitting on the couch next to D leaning on her shoulder. For a while there, I sat there and watched everyone talking, joking and laughing and I secreting wondered to myself “All those people gathered to make a remarkably good day! I must have done something amazing in my life to deserve that much effort out of each and everyone one of them” I felt loved, and it felt GREAT!

Ahmed said I should say a speech!

It couldn’t be any cheesier, but it was genuine!! Yes, I had no wishes to think of, I had all I could possibly ask for, friends who were there to make me happy and who would go to such measures to do it!

That was when each wished me something. I got sweet wishes and funny wishes, and even wishes that I was promised wouldn’t come true ;) not to mention wishes that got my sis hit!

Before Ahmed left he asked me to choose a song for him to sing me on my birthday. I had too many in mind but I thought I should ask for my “feel good song”; Somewhere Beyond the Sea. And he sang it :)

And then there was my “cake”… gardal Profitrole!!!

Rasha!! You managed to orchestrate a day made of my favorite things!!! And you had such a perfect team, even the ones who couldn’t make it were amazing.

I couldn’t be happier and I seriously couldn’t be more grateful!!

You guys are leaving me speechless!! How could I possibly do the same for you? I couldn’t possibly top what you’ve done for me even if I tried!!!!!!

I am speechless… I am happy… and I am eternally grateful…

This is by all means the best birthday I’ve ever had!

THANKS!

Grateful!

A year ago, I wished for something extraordinary for my birthday.

Throughout the year, I had one constant wish; get my divorce before I turn 28.

That was the gift May (the month) promised, and that’s the gift it delivered after too much anticipation. I am no longer his wife. Although I have not been his wife all through the past two years, it feels good to know that no law binds me to him anymore.

May also threw in another gift, my best friend D is back to Egypt for good. I can still remember August 2007 when I was crying my heart out because she was moving there for two years. It’s funny how I can almost cry again at the thought of her leaving me alone in the midst of all my drama; makes me twice as grateful that she’s back. Of course she’s still jet-lagging her brains off, but we have all the time to catch up.

For the first time in a long time I have no great wishes for my birthday, only small material ones like a pair of shoes I liked or some accessories I am too broke to spare money buying after my last online shopping spree (yes hints for my sisters)!

Otherwise, I am thankful that way!! I have no wish for ultimate happiness because I would like to believe that I have it in me to see the little happiness-es that come my way and help me through crappy days, and I am old enough to realize it counts for a lot more than a grand happiness disappearing due to a horrible tragedy.

So June, you can come peacefully without any promises of things getting better. Oh ok, promise me I won’t look 28, and neither will I look 30 in two years :)

I am still trying to figure out how I will spend tomorrow, I’m contemplating taking the day off and doing all sorts of things that randomly come to mind. I wish I could see all my friends at the same time, but my friends are too diverse to gather in one place and have fun, so I will just make myself time with each at a time... it's actually good because this way I get to expand my birthday to more than just one day ;)

Tomorrow I turn 28, and I have enough good things in my life that make up for the not so good ones!

This year, no birthday blues for a change :)

One Fine Day

A couple of days ago, I posted that there were certain thing I was looking forward to and things I wished for among the Eight Tag. Little did I know that I would get some of those on the same day!!

Behold people, some joy for a change…

I took a day off, which would pretty much count as a vacation from everything. The fact that it was one day made it easier to dodge my mommy responsibilities for a while since the boys are ususally at the nursery during my working hours.

I met with Rasha, had coffee and breakfast, a few hours later, we went to the pool and spent the rest of the working day.

The hours just flew! Yet, I am grateful for every single minute…

Grateful for the time off from my daily routine…

Grateful for the early walk…

Grateful for the breeze brushing my hair and for actually releasing those curls where there was sun and air!

Grateful for Turkish coffee that helped me up all through the day…

Grateful for the tan (and I am so willing to go for more)

But most of all, grateful for the amazing company! Rasha, you ROCK!

Aaaaaand, today my car got some maintenance while I was getting mine :)

We kaman, my physiotherapist said my back was MUCH better alhamdulilah, and he actually seemed to mean it; he said it without that cynical indifferent tone of his! He said I should do more walking and go for swimming!!

Oh oh oh, and I think soon enough I will get to the whole hair-coloring thing, Rasha helped me decide on the color!

May is wrapping up nicely and sending me off to my birthday with a smile :)

I know it’s greedy, but I can’t help but hope for a good dream as I go off to bed in a while… we 3ala ra2y B “elly yela2y dala3 wala yeddala3sh….”

Anyway, sweet dreams or not, I am grateful… الحمد لله

On death, compassion, and things better left unsaid…

This post might make me seem heartless and cruel. Speaking about death usually makes me sound heartless and cruel, but it could have to do with my upbringing and how somehow I learned in the process that death is something we don’t talk about, it is something we should rather learn to deal with and accept, eventually. I understand it is only true as far as I am concerned and that it does not apply to other people.

Some relatively long time ago, when my nana died (Allah yer7amha), I didn’t cry because I thought it was better for her to pass away rather than live an non-dignifying life with the paralysis that left her unable to move or speak or even recognize any of us at some point. She was a strong woman who deserved to die with her pride and dignity intact, or so I believed.

Around a year after her death, my uncle (who had just turned rather a bit more religious) was talking to me about someone’s death, I don’t remember who exactly, but I remember saying that a short death is much better than a prolonged one. My uncle argued that the prolonged death is sometimes better for the person because it’s a way for them to repent and pray for Allah swt, as well as it is for those around them to earn thawab for taking care of them. He said I was blinded by my pride and life-related calculations, while the bigger picture is about humility, thawab and takfeer zonoob!

That was when I mourned my late nana (Allah yer7amha). That was when I kept praying that the suffering before her death was counted for more thawab and that all her zonoob were repented already. That was when I found myself wishing she had more humiliation in life for the sake of a better eternity. Oh well.

Still until now, death baffles me. it shocks me beyond my ability to cry and it paralyses my tongue from saying the right prayers for the people I know are dear to my heart.

Uncle A died around three years ago, I cried from the shock even though I knew he was terribly sick. I cried his loss; that such a good person was taken from such a horrible life leaving it one good person less, until I went to his wake. Seeing how strong his family was holding up, seeing how peaceful things were where he had once been, it made the peace seep through my soul. And later, I had a very good dream of him, a dream that meant a lot as my mom told me later. May he rest in peace.

Last month when Dr. Magdi died, I was shaken so hard. It was probably the shock of losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly, especially at a time when I relied on him to feel better about all that was going wrong in my life. I cried so hard -to my own surprise- over someone whom I barely knew, yet had such a positive impact on my life. I didn’t want to stop crying over him because it was the only way I could hold on to his memory; until I realized that I had special memories of him to hold on to, things I needed to remember for my own well being. And so I let him go with my prayers.

Two days ago when S passed away, it was another anticipated tragedy. She was badly sick and I knew she was dying after 5 years of fighting cancer that kept re-attacking more viciously one time after the other. I tried to use my previously learned lesson about death to not collapse or cry, I tried to find the right prayers for her, but I just couldn’t. Tears just fell silently without any control when I pictured her walking around us like she always did, right there while I was at her wake. I kept murmuring “Allah yer7amha” and I kept thinking of how amazing she was, and it made me smile even through the tears. Her strength will be missed, but her beautiful spirit will always be there in my head reminding me of all the things she used to tell me.

It could be that I lost a few good people whom I mourn on daily basis as little things in life remind me of them or when their memory just lingers in my heart. But hearing about the president’s grandson dying didn’t get to me at first. It may make me seem heartless like I mentioned, but when you had just lost an idol to death, hearing that someone you simply do not like had lost someone dear to him doesn’t touch you, you find your angry self (at death, life and all the people in it) murmuring “so what, people lose loved ones every day and they hurt and ache and their lives are forever scarred that way”.

No, I didn’t instantly feel any sympathy because in my head that man never had any sympathy for the pain people go through on daily basis; pain I can almost taste when I deal with people until I forget about it once I go by with my own daily concerns. Not to mention the agony and fear caused by the injustice and abuse that you hear of happening to othe people and thank God on daily basis that it is not yet your turn to be that kind of victim and fear the day when you will be.

Until I saw the photo, a family photo one of my FB friends posted with the little kid, the father, the uncle, and the grandparents. It completely changed how my heart felt and I instantly found myself aching. I couldn’t see people I didn’t know or care for; I saw my own son, and my parents surrounding him with their happy faces and I felt my heart clenching had it been my boy who was taken.

And that is compassion, the kind of compassion you feel without any control, the kind of compassion that makes you human, it makes you able to sympathize with people for whom you would normally feel no sympathy. The kind of compassion that makes you feel for people for their own loss rather than refrain from feeling because you’re judging them for their actions that you condone.

But like death, compassion is not something you should talk about, at least not in my book. You don’t walk around parading those human feeling you have just like you don’t walk around parading the tears you cried over a loved one lost to death. You say those things with a low tone of voice because they are supposed to come from the heart and they are not supposed to be for show; they lose their meaning that way.

So watching the Amr Adeeb segment on u-tube, the one with him urging the people to support the grieving family and reminding them of all the good that family did and make it sound like the people owed them that compassion, it made me angry. Sorry, but he was more like beating compassion out of them. Compassion is not something you feel because you’re asked to, and you never feel it out of gratitude, especially if gratitude is barely due!

To me, it sounded like nothing short of a cheap attempt to suck up by using a painful tragedy; if not, then it was just plain rude and insensitive, to all people including the president and his family; because if I were them, I wouldn’t like someone to beg others to feel sorry for my loss and support me.

I was not going to comment about that, or the tragedy of losing a grandchild for that matter out of my respect to the tragedy itself, and out of my own belief that such things are rather private.

Until I was provoked by reading an email a guy on the cultural group I’m in sent as a letter to the mourning grandfather. That letter reeked with pretense and lacks substance, and who the hell is that person and who died an made him in charge for him to say “Mr. President, I address you today not on behalf of the people but on behalf of myself, not as a citizen but as a human being…”! Speak for yourself man, and don’t trivialize other people’s feelings by implying that your words are good enough for them, especially when those words are not even proof-read!

Sometimes “el baqa2 l’Ellah” and “enna l’Ellah wa enna elayhi rage3oon” is much more eloquent than big phrases that give compassion a bad name.

And I'm Feeling Good!

I am free

And I'm Feeling Good

On a day that tried all it could to be a good one…

Yesterday was such a strange day!

From 6 am to 6 pm it spelled trouble all over the place to the extent that I had decided to call it a day and sulk in bed as I waited for the day to end.

Luckily Mayo made it better by joining me on a Riff Band night at Sa2yet el Sawy…

The band played all my personal favorites, almost all of them, and I mean stuff I secretly hoped I'd listen to!!!! I only didn’t know two songs or something, and I enjoyed all of it despite my blue mood and the backache that was making it a bit painful to move with the music.

Later, Mayo made me smile even more with all the stuff she said even after I was home, and I got the chance to chat a bit with a friend. It’s fair to say the day ended nicely that way.

Even after I fell asleep, I could feel my mom getting into the room to make sure the kids and I were tucked in bed. For the first night in God knows how long, I didn’t overhear her cursing at me during my sleep; instead, I heard prayers!!

It really felt like the day was trying to make up for the mess-ups but I guess I was just too jaded…

Nonetheless, I feel grateful in a way, even for the strangeness!

Party Pooper

Today I was out with a friend having fun, pure absolute fun after such a disturbingly annoying day with the x checking out schools. I got my end-of-the-week treat; I was sitting in a chair listening to all my favorite oldies brilliantly performed. Some of the songs brought back memories to which I am nostalgic, I closed my eyes and smiled as I put those memories back to where they belong. My whole body was moving with the same rhythm as the music, I sang along at the top of my voice and no one could hear (luckily), I clapped and cheered so loud until my hands hurt and my voice faded! I was genuinely happy.

My friend and I left so that we can go home before we get in trouble, which is sad since we’re both above 25, VERY SAD. Nonetheless, we both found solace in knowing that we had a real good time and that for the hour we spent, neither of us had time to think of our crappy dramas and got to live a life we never really had anywhere beyond our dreams, fair enough, or so we contently compromised.

Until that call!

“Enty fein le7ad delwa2ty? Enty 3arfa el sa3a kam? Da kalam?” and BAAAMM hung up!

Seriously, this is unfair!! I will turn 28 in June, and it wasn’t even 10 yet!!! 10 people!

And my mood was dramatically changed, in those few seconds it took to end that call, how sad is that, how depressing!

I felt like crying. My good mood was snatched from me so abruptly, the sudden switch of moods had a shocking effect that made me wanna curl and cry.

How cruel, how insensitive!

I really needed that evening out; it’s been a while since I went out on a music night and I reeeaaallllly needed the feeling I get after those. The music just makes me forget all about my problems and my issues and I heal for as long as I’m listening, and I know I can willingly go back to my daily fights and struggles without complaining knowing that I lived those few moments. Why is it too much to ask? Is that so horrible?!

I know it’s useless to try and explain that to my caller, or the person who had him make the call. I know it will be a waste of my breath because even if I managed to get my point through, they will still find ways to make me seem irresponsible and selfish and whatever other labels they will feel like using. So as always, the silent treatment is the way to go; long live passive aggression!

Now that I’ve ranted, I will go to bed trying to remember the thoughts and feelings I had as the music was playing and just dwell in them hoping they’ll visit me in my dreams more vividly.

Goodnight.